I'm in control.

Hiya!

Recently I've started to realise something. I'm becoming more and more aware of my anxiety and all the things that are a trigger to it. I keep noticing new weird things that make me utterly anxious. However, with these realisations I also found out how in control of them I am and that's something I have never noticed before.

I've known for a long time that I am one of the many people struggling with anxiety. Another thing I've known for a long time is how ridiculous and irrational my anxiety can be some times. It's also such a fluctuating thing, like one day I'm fine doing a certain thing and a week later that same thing has become utterly terrifying. Anxiety is ridiculous and I hate it.

The only fun I'm having with it nowadays is that I'm noticing my anxiety earlier and have become more of a rational thinker. I like to think I am anyways. Example: this week I launched a questionnaire at my internship for my bachelor thesis. I had sent it over email the evening before and as soon as I step foot on the ward I felt my anxiety kicking in. Thoughts like: 'people will ask you about it all day' 'they won't have seen the questionnaire yet' 'they might not see it at all' 'you will have to remind people to fill it out all day' 'they'll think you're annoying', started a storm inside my mind. Yet as I put my bag in my locker, rational thinking kicked in and I realised that everybody knows I'm an intern and part of my internship is doing research which involves a questionnaire. I also realised that part of putting out a questionnaire is making people aware of it so it's normal that I would have to remind people to fill it out and that it's normal for people to have feedback on it or questions about it. And as more and more of these rational thoughts popped up in that anxious brain of mine my anxiety faded. It was still there but much smaller than it had been before, by now it was acceptable. 

Even though my anxiety was still there it stopped being the centre of my universe at that point. It became more of a Pluto, still part of my solar system but not as big as the Sun. It made me feel more in control of my own life, even on this one occasion. It showed me that I'm more than my anxiety and that my anxiety doesn't define me. My anxiety is even more ridiculous than my depression on most days and that is now how I am going to live my life. It's my life for god's sake and not the life of my anxiety. 

Fear is a normal thing, fear can be a superpower if it has to be, but it should never become the villain of the main character. EVER. Fear can be a fuel, a motivation to become better as long as YOU remain the main character in your own life. 

By just stopping and thinking about my anxiety I figured out how ridiculous it actually is and how I let these stupid thoughts control my life instead of me controlling them. It showed me that I'm growing, that character development is taking place. 

I know this isn't THE cure to anxiety and that some have it worse than others. But give rationality a chance, it might just save you. Why not give it a try? Become more aware of your thoughts and the spiral it sends you in, and try to reverse it. Who knows, maybe something incredible results from it. I believe in you.

Lots of love,
ThatDutchgirl96

Thank you.

Hey you! My autoimmune disease, destroyer of my insulin supply. Hello my Diabetes. 

Thank you Diabetes for storming into my life. Thanks for almost killing me, having me meet the best health care givers in the world, allowing me to reflect on life even at 14. For almost seven years now we've been stuck together. More like I've been stuck with you, you just don't seem to pick up my hints to have you leave. You're more than welcome to, if you want to of course. 

I might hate you sometimes but damn you have brought me a lot of good. My pancreas disagrees on this though, but let's leave that one out of this conversation for now. This is my moment to say thank you. Because you don't get the credit you deserve 99% of the time. It's because of you that I am who I am today and I am where I am today. If not for you my life would have looked so much different, much more healthy.  

Thanks to you I started to reflect on life, on the privileges I have in mine. I was born in a wealthy European country. I have access to amazing health care. I can choose my own diabetes supplies and health care insurance. Plus you got me the best doctors and nurses I could have wished for, they are truly amazing and have helped me deal with you in the best way possible. You don't go easy on them or me though, maybe cut us some slack?

Thanks to you I decided I wanted to use my privileges for good things. Thanks to you I got in touch with Worldmapping who brought me along to South-Africa and Brasil. Trough whom I met so many amazing and inspiring people. People I am still in touch with today, people that still influence me or help me make choices, whether they know it or now. Thanks to my great experiences with Worldmapping I ended at Puylagorge. And that has become my happy place for these last three years, and this summer it will be my happy place again. Here too, I met so many incredible people, new friends, amazing families with even more amazing kids. Special needs kids who are just special to us, volunteers. A place where no one looks at disabilities in a negative way. A place where no one is different, not even me! And you don't even know what a relief it is to not be different sometime, to just be. A place where nobody cares about my diabetes because we all have our special skills. And Diabetes, without you I would never have gotten there, to that incredible place.

Also Diabetes, you showed me who my true friends are. Thankfully I already had pretty good taste because nobody left me because of you. They accepted you even before I had because that was who I was now. Thank you for helping me meet new friends, with and without chronic illnesses. Thank you for allowing me to joke about you to make myself and others have a good laugh. Thank you for helping me check other people's blood sugar to make sure they aren't diabetic as well. Even though I secretly wouldn't mind having more diabetics in my life. 

Thank you for showing me how fragile and precious life is. Thanks for showing me how incredibly strong my body is even though I feel very weak sometimes. Thank you for helping my family except my other struggles and thanks for helping me in finding help for all those problems. Even when you turned out to be one of them. You stayed around nonetheless. 

Thank you Diabetes for helping me to accept myself. To trust on myself more, to become more independent. Thanks for helping me grow. For all the opportunities I got because of you. 

Diabetes, sometimes, well most times I don't like you too much. You seem to complicate things quite a bit. But despite all that I wouldn't want it any different, you are a part of me. Because of you I'm me. 

Thank you Diabetes, to many more years together!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

Family comments on vegetarianism.

Hiya!

One of my goals in 2018 is to eat more plant based. Now at first I considered going full on vegan, however, since I still live at home with my parents this turned out to be more complicated than I thought. So for now I've decided to stick with vegetarianism.

For those of you who don't know what a vegetarian is; a vegetarian is a person who does not eat or does not believe in eating meat and/ or fish. Now you get vegetarians in a lot of different sorts and sizes. There are vegetarians that don't eat meat and fish, vegetarians that don't eat meat but eat fish, vegetarians that don't use substitutes for meat like soy based 'meats' or tofu, vegetarians that do use substitutes and so on. 

Personally I don't eat meat and fish but use the substitutes as I would otherwise be missing out on a lot of necessary proteins and vitamins and other important stuff my body runs on. This also on a recommendation by my personal dietitian thanks to my diabetes check ups. 

Now me becoming a vegetarian has stirred things up in the Vercoulen household. At first my mum, since she cooks 95% of the time (I'm the other 5%) insisted that she could not keep my diet completely meat free, 'cause there were four other people living in this household that do eat meat. Lame excuse mum. However her worst excuse was "I won't always remember that you became a vegetarian." She mentioned that so many times she couldn't possibly have forgotten that tiny fact. 

And that's what you're all here for! The funny/ weird/ stupid comments on me becoming a vegetarian. So get yourself a cup of tea or any other beverage, sit back and enjoy!

"But you've always eaten meat before!" 
Yes thanks, I know but this was a decision I made and choose to live by deliberately after doing research and speaking to other vegetarians/ vegans. 

"You used to like meat." 
Well it's not that I don't like meat anymore, it's just that I've made the decision not to eat it anymore hoping to be of use against global warming, pollution and harm against animals. 

"Going out for dinner won't be easy for you now you're a vegetarian." 
I'm sorry what? Have you ever been to a restaurant that doesn't offer vegetarian meals on their menu or where you can't ask for the meat to be taken out of the meal? Cause I haven't.

"Are you becoming an environmentalist now or what? Before you know it you'll be vegan."
Yeah, can you imagine actually caring for the planet and it's future by making the deliberate choice to actually care for the planet and it's future.

"Now you'll only eat vegetables."
Have you ever heard of meat substitutes? Or things like Tofu? Cause I have and there are plenty delicious vegetarian dishes out there that include more than vegetables.

"Now we can't go to McDonalds anymore!" 
Yes we can, I'll just enjoy their way too salty fries and delicious McFlurries, plus they have a veggie burger so what's the problem?\

"Are you like, never going to eat meat again?"
That is basically the point but again SUBSTITUTES. And who knows, maybe I'll get back into meat someday.

"Don't you miss eating meat?"
SUBSTITUTES, for Christ's sake, I voluntarily and deliberately chose becoming a vegetarian. And what if I sometimes think, God I wish I could eat that piece of meat. Guess what I actually could eat it nonetheless. 

EATING MEAT OR NOT EATING MEAT IS A VOLUNTARY CHOICE ONE CAN MAKE AND COME BACK FROM AT ANY DAY AND ANY TIME! THERE ARE NO SET RULES TO VEGETARIANISM OR VEGANISM! 
IT'S NOT AN ALLERGY!
YOU WON'T DIE FROM (NOT) EATING MEAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!

And this is just from the first three months of 2018. I can't wait for what's yet to come!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

ps. Let me know in the comments whether you are a vegetarian or not and why! I would love to know! Maybe even share your favourite vegetarian/ vegan recipes!

Newsie Q&A.

Hiya!

Let me stow the seriousity for a change. Since the beginning of 2018 I have become rather interested (read: obsessed) with the Disney musical Newsies. And I mean interested in belting out the songs all the time, trying and failing to do the dancing routines, memorising all newsies by name and face, and being able to act out the entire musical. For my sake, let's leave out watching Newsies live on an almost daily basis.

So to put my useless obsession for yet another musical to some use get ready for a Newsie Q&A put together by the fabulous Tumblr user: thebroadwayelephant.

Let's get going:

Jack: Do you consider yourself a leader or follower?
This highly depends on the group, like on my internship I'm definitely a follower. However with my friends and in class I'm a leader for sure.

Katherine: Do you enjoy writing?
Yes! I absolutely love writing, either blogpost, crazy stories or fiction, I love it! I'll even like writing an essay as long as the topic interests me. 

Race: What’s something people associate with you?
Fun facts and lots of banter

Crutchie: Have you ever broken a bone or moved away from someone you love?
Broken a bone never. Moved away from loved ones only temporary, can't stay away for too long now can I.

Les: Are you a child at heart?
Yasssss

Romeo: Are you a romantic or a realist?
Bit of both though in my mind I like to think I'm more of a romanticist.

Specs: Do you wear glasses/contacts?
If only, it's been a wish ever since I watched Harry Potter as a child.

Spot: Do you consider yourself to be a brave/tough person?
Kind of, not like Gryffindor brave, more like angry Hufflepuf badger brave.

Davey: Are you more impulsive or cautious?
Cautious I like to think of what I'm going to do before doing it. This doesn't count on speech though, all the think before you speak filters have been erased.

Medda Larkin: Where are you the happiest?
In a decent reading nook with an even better book.

Delancey brothers: What’s something that frustrates you?
When others don't understand me.

Wiesel: Is your name misspelled or mispronounced frequently?
Yes, try having a name that's used for males and females but written differently for both. You would be surprised as to how difficult it is to write Renée.

Albert: Are you good with sarcasm?
Yes, sarcasm is my mother tongue.

Pulitzer: What’s one mistake you’ve made?
Oh god, only one.... Let that be asking for help only when you realise it's actually too late.

Finch: What’s something you’re scared of?
I ain't scared of no terf! Although spiders get me a bit (very much) jittery. Also being home alone at night.

Roosevelt: What’s something that brings you joy?
Warmer weather, a fireplace, books, cosy sweaters, freshly mowed grass, hot chocolate, the sun!

Snyder: What’s one thing you would change in society?
The crazy amount of anger and hate there is towards one another. Geez this world needs to chill.

Hannah: Are you an organized person?
Yes I am very organised. Nothing makes me happier than a clean working space and bedroom.

If you're already familiar with Newsies, I hope you liked this little Q&A. If not I hope this inspired you to look into Newsies the musical. They have a live Broadway recording which is on NETFLIX! What more could you want, apart from awesome choreographies, amazing singing, a cool and still relevant story, and cute guys!?

Anyway, I hoped you liked this slightly different blogpost, if you did let me know by liking the post or leaving a comment!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

My mental health.

Hiya!

For almost 10 years I've been in the loop with mental health issues and mental health care. I don't even know which one is worse. 

Now before I start with this post, I can only speak from personal experiences. My own mental health issues and the health care I received when dealing with those issues. Maybe a bit of Dutch mental health care in general but that's it. Everyone experiences mental health issues differently, every country has it's own views and accessibility of mental health care or health care in general. If my personal experiences differ from your's feel free to share you experiences with me. 
I would like this blog to be a safe place for people that struggle with mental health issues and the care available for those. So if you struggle with mental health issues or just want to complain about them and the health care around them please send me a message or leave a comment!

Let's get back to my problems. As mentioned before, I've been in the loop of mental health care/ issues since I was 12. Seeing one therapist after the other. I've had different kinds of therapy like hypnosis and behavioural therapy. I've seen therapists for many different reasons. But then I became 18, and a month later I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist. She was an absolute gem and helped me through my gap year to get me ready to go back to university right after that. After my last session with her I finally felt like me again, which I hand't in a very very long time. Being 18 and going back to uni would be the beginning of my life. Everything was fine and I was going to fly through life from there on.

Oh how wrong I was. During university I've had multiple breakdowns, multiple times where my mum urged me to go back to seeing a therapist and even more times when I turned down these offers because I didn't need therapy anymore. That chapter was closed in August after I turned 18. I left therapy in 2014. And every time I managed, some times the struggle went on for days, other times for weeks but every time I came out on top and could continue my life. Mental health issues under control and no more therapy. During these last years I literally kept convincing myself through every breakdown that I, Renée, didn't need therapy. Therapy had given me all the tips and tricks I would need to get through those damn breakdowns.

HA HA.

Get ready for the 'best' part. Now I'm 21, it's 2018, the year I promised myself would be even better than 2017, and I'm on a waiting list to get back into therapy. How far I've come.....
Actually I've come pretty far. I've come from being 18 and convinced I would never need therapy again. Keeping myself convinced during all the breakdowns that followed until somewhere in 2017 where there wasn't really a breakdown. Maybe a cumulative sum of several small less good things, I'm not too sure. But at one point whilst in South-Africa (best time ever tho) I knew my emotional state was back at an all time low. I just knew something was off, my smiles became more forced, the sparkle in my eyes disappeared most days and I just felt so emotionally flat. Like there was this big black hole of emptiness back inside me just like it had been there whilst still seeing therapists.

But hey, I was in South-Africa and life was pretty great in general so I just went through with it. Telling myself I would just wait and see when I came back to Holland. Maybe it would go away, because I had the skills to overcome these things myself remember?! Well, I lost the skill. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and that empty feeling is still there. My body is constantly tense, there is a massive wall including moat filled with crocodiles around me, and my emotions are still non existent. The worst thing about it is no one notices. Not even my mum who was onto me during all the previous breakdowns. Did I really become this good at hiding my (lack of) feelings? 

However this time 'I don't need therapy' Renée decided to take matters in her own hand. Firstly to get a phsyical examination due to complaints of exhaustion, which came back with nothing (as expected). Then I decided why not? Why not go back to seeing a therapist? You've been there and done that so you know the drill. Just get yourself that extra bit of help maybe until graduation, maybe after that until you get your life back together. Maybe until you find out what you really want to do with that life of yours. 
Just get help. 

So here I am, during the second month of supposedly best year yet, ready to ask for help again. On a waiting list to get that help in early march. It was my best decision in a long time and I'm honestly counting down to the 2nd of march, the day where I'll be back in therapy. The day where I'm back to getting my life back on track. The day where I can start relaxing again. I am ready!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

ps. sorry if this triggered you in any way. That was not how this blog was intended. If you feel like you need a friend or just a listening ear, don't hesitate to send me a message or leave a comment. 

pps. if this blogpost helped you in any way also let me know! If it encouraged you to seek help too, or at least look into the different options of mental health care I'm forever grateful. 

Back home.

Hiya!

I've been back for over two months now. Slowly but surely South-Africa is turning into a fading memory, an ever so fond one. Not a day goes by without I think back at that amazing experience. Every day a photo that was taken during those four months comes up and takes me back to the exact moment it was taken. Incredible memories around every corner, and it makes closing that period so damn difficult.

I spent four months in Pretoria, South-Africa. Possibly the best four months of my life. It was my first ever trip like this. I went on a roadtrip with friends (and my sister), changed from nurse to teacher, lived on my own (kinda with only 10 other students), and just had the best time ever. All the new people I met with such inspirational stories, the new places I visited, the different kinds of food I tried, the new cultures I dived into. So many new things I can barely fathom them, still. 

During those months my comfort zone was nonexistent. I've never lived in the moment as much as then. No worrying about tomorrow or next week, hell I didn't even take a glance at what I would be doing the next year. To live in the moment was my favourite thing. It was just that day and what had to be done that day. Even if not all of those things got done the world just kept spinning and I just postponed it to the day after. In South-Africa things were easier, the world even seemed like a better place there. Just me, my amazing internship and even better housemates. 

But now I'm back, back to the tiny village that I have called my home since birth. The town where my roots are. However, when I left for South-Africa those roots got cut loose and ever since I came back I haven't been able to feel grounded. It feels as if I'm floating just a few centimetres above the ground. I'm back with all these familiar things yet they feel utterly strange. Like I've never seen them before. It is as if all my roots have disappeared and I'm lost.

Back home the world has picked up it's pace, it's spinning ten times faster than before. I'm freaking out, I can't keep up. I run and run, trying to keep up with everything I have to do today, tomorrow, and next week. My mind isn't in the moment it's on next year and it feels so strange. Life has never been this chaotic before and I hate it. Every day I miss South-Africa a little more, it's easiness, my life and friends there, and how today was today and not next year.  

There is so much stuff going on in my life that I don't even know where to start. I've never felt this lost before and without my roots there is nothing holding me in place. I'm being pushed in every direction, task to task, deadline to deadline. No place gives me a sense of peace. My head is spinning endlessly. I can't go on like this, I need my roots back. But where have they gone? My hometown has lost them. 

Somewhere there is a place for me? Where, I have not a clue. If you know, please give me a heads up. Until then I'll keep running after my life, without even a sense of control of it. I'll follow it where ever it will lead me. Hopefully to a place I can touch the ground again. Where my roots will start to grow further and further in the ground. A place where I am in control of my life again, instead of it constantly passing me by. A time where South-Africa will be more than a sad memory. 

I can't wait for that!
ThatDutchGirl96

It's not a phase mum.

Hiya!

And welcome back for another random update on my peculiar life with even worse life choices. 
Basically welcome to the blog of your stereotypical millennial/ gen-Z kid.

When I was about eleven years-old I got into this musical phase and it got like really bad. There was this musical for which they broadcasted the entire auditioning and rehearsal process. That's where it all went wrong. Every Saturday or Sunday I was plastered to the television. I became obsessed, I knew everything about this musical, about the actors in it, their characters and my vocabulary became nearly limited to the album lyrics. It was bad okay, and to make it worse the musical was a huge hit and went on for about four years or so. During those four years I kept following the musical, the cast (changes) and everything there was to find about it. I even wrote some really embarrassing letters to my parents on why they had to take me to see the musical. Even as it was about to close, at this point I was fifteen, FIFTEEN. And as the musical had it's finale performance, good old Renée spent the night crying as she never even got to see it live on stage, the musical that she spent over four years obsessing over. It was a sad day.

Then I thought the phase would pass, and oh how did my parents hope the same. I bet their hopes were higher than mine. All my friends were becoming more of your typical teenagers, like come on we were fifteen. Some already had boyfriends, others had already kissed. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that their interests became very different to mine. As my musical phase continued when another musical started to hit the theatre, and then another. At this point I was sixteen and over and printed photo's of my favourite cast members and musicals in my school diary. So yeah, my parents hopes for a normal teenager were crushed and I officially became a theatre nerd. A proud one so to speak.

At around the age of 18 I finally got out of my musical phase, and dived straight into a movie/ series phase. Yeah, not really making any progress. Apart from printing photo's of cast members and either putting them on my walls or in my diary nothing really changed. So much for getting my parents hopes up again. However now I'm 21, going on 22 and my series/ movie obsession is mostly over. Now before you start clapping and getting hopeful like my parents let me explain.

What has happened is that I basically lost a lot of time to watch movies/ series because 1. I'm graduating, 2. I discovered the existence of musical movies and musicals again. Blame Dear Evan Hansen and the Greatest Showman. Getting back to the good old days where I'm belting out songs from cast albums (badly), trying the choreographies (equally as badly) and maybe the worst one, not wanting to remove my earphones to socialise at the dinner table because my priorities are on the Broadway cast albums. 

Long story short, we're back where we started it's not a phase but just my personality! I'm a theatre nerd and I'm still very proud of it! However much I was shamed for it by friends and family during the previous one it was of no use. The world may know I'm a theatre nerd, no more secretly listening to cast albums in public spaces, keeping all of it off the grid. Nope, I'm out there, posting pictures of the Newsies Live on my instagram, 80% of my tweets existing of Broadway mentions. I love musicals, I love singing, dancing and acting even though I'm really bad at all three of them, and I love almost everything on Broadway, West End, hell even the Dutch productions!

My obsession leaves only one problem. Apart from that one friend of mine, there is no one to share my love for musicals with. So are you a fellow theatre nerd, or do you just love musicals. Send me a message and we can be fangirls together!!! (I know I should not be like this anymore but hey I'm a millennial and I'm problematic as it is) 

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

Extremely exhausted.

Hiya!

Let me share something with you. I am absolutely shattered. My energy levels are below acceptable. Social life, school, internship, the whole bunch is becoming more and more of a challenge with every day.

Ever since I got back from South-Africa my energy levels started decreasing ever so slightly but now they've reached an all time low. It's awful and it couldn't have chosen a worse time. I'm trying to graduate here?! Hello, at least be considerate?! No. Well I guessed so.

I'm starting to feel more and more tired and with that more and more useless. I'm even beginning to take a nurse approach on my own life. Control your activities, don't overwork yourself, make sure to rest before you over-exhaust yourself. Well it's too late for all of those. By now I can manage no more than one activity a day. And with a life like mine which hasn't much of a social life but volunteering activities all the more and a busy uni period; being able to do just one activity a day is barely possible. Three days a week I have to bee at internship, one other day is filled with 2 hours of education. The other three days are filled with my part time job, volunteering activities and sometimes even something social. However this leaves little to no time for the essays I need to write and damn deadlines are coming closer. 

In conclusion it's not wanted and neither is the timing of my exhaustion any good. So this week my mum (yes not even me, my mum) decided she has had enough of my endless naps and lack of motivation. It was time I got myself together again. It was time for a visit to the GP. Yay....

So there I went. I told the secretary I was there and then spent over half an hour waiting. Nothing unusual there for GP business. 

Finally, after almost falling asleep in my chair right there, the GP called my name. I stood up and followed her where she asked about my problems. Did all the general measurements as oxygen levels and blood pressure, she even shone a light in my ears. As a nurse to be this confused me because what would be in my ear that could make me this tired? Well she's the expert.

To cut a long story short. I'm going to be diagnosed with either a new physical disease and I pray to god not another chronic one. Or I'm suffering from too much stress and will need to start seeing another psychologist.

Pro tip I learned from this story: NEVER wait for over a month with physical complaints that might be the result of mental issues!!!! I'm now awaiting my blood results but I'm pretty sure it's the psychologist option that's going to be the result. 

What a worthless blogpost. I know but since I already visited the hospital for a blood test today there isn't really much else I have to offer.

I'm off to take a nap!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

Terrifyingly graduating.

Hiya! 

At the moment I'm in the final year of my nursing course. On the 8th of June I hope to receive my bachelor of nursing diploma. By then I will be a person with an official diploma that allows me to take on a responsible job. And responsible it is as a nurse with the lives of many people as your responsibility. 

The 8th of June, it's becoming a rather terrifying date with every day that passes. Teachers instructing us on our dissertation, us having to actually start writing that dissertation whilst still working on our practical skills. My fellow classmates and I are under a lot of stress. We all realise that by the 8th of June we need to have handed in our dissertation, a piece of research that will be read only by the people involved in our learning process. The rest of the world doesn't  give a damn so why all the pressure? Why does it matter so much whether or not I can write a decent essay on research that I didn't even want to do when my profession involves hands on care for the ill. 

This whole graduating process is a bit of a mystery to me, one big mystery with priorities on all the wrong things. But hey who am I to complain?

The above is even just the study part of it all. Than there is the practical part, the part in which the adults in my life start interfering. "Renée what do you want to do once you graduate?" "Do you want to do nursing or do you want to start another course?" "What ward interests you most?" 
Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! 

I have not a clue. Okay?! I don't know what I want to do once that stupid piece of paper called a diploma is signed by and handed to me. I don't know what I want to do once I graduate and should be capable of 1; getting a job and  2; having the full responsibility of not only the lives of ill people but also students I'm expected to guide and new colleagues that need to learn what's going on on the ward. And oh my do I not feel competent enough to ever do so. The whole getting my diploma thing absolutely terrifies me, I'm not capable of doing all of that once I sign that piece of paper. And hell, do I not have any clue of what I'll be doing once I graduate. 

Preferably I would take a plane to a deserted island to live out my days where nobody will bother me. But hey, I have a student loan to pay off so that is not an option. 

What would I do like to do once I graduate? I always said I would love to become a paediatric nurse which still piques my interest quite a bit. Besides that I would love to work with neurological patients as well and study the brain more. My ultimate goal would be to work in a research team which develops rehabilitation products to help (paediatric) patients with neurological problems like cerebral paralysis. Mind my language. 
Then there are the other things I love doing, one of which is teaching. I absolutely love to spread knowledge to kids, to watch them grow and develop themselves. To keep them curious towards the world. And becoming an astronaut is something I still secretly dream about but which got thrown out of the window once I became a diabetic. Then there is the one thing I would love NOT to be, a diabetic but hey that's a different story.

In short; there are so many things I would love to do and would love to become all of which nursing will be my starting point. That one diploma I want and am going to sign in June this year. I will get there and I will finish my current internship above expectations and write a kick ass research on whatever subject I'm yet to find. Once I graduate the whole world is at my feet. No more mandatory school gatherings or shifts I need to work. Nothing but the rest of my life waiting for me, a new chapter to start. But first I have to overcome my fear and make it to the 8th of June successfully!

 Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

I don't understand make-up.

Hiya!

I don't understand make-up. I don't know how to apply it, I have no understanding of colour combinations let alone the techniques of making a smokey eye or a nice eye liner shape. 

Make-up to me is as much of a mystery as what is happening in the deep sea. I have not a clue. 

Ever since I started wearing even the slightest of make-up: mascara, I did go through your standard make-up phases. Starting out with wearing a ridiculous amount of mascara which made my eyelashes look as if I replaced them with some big ass spider legs. So yeah that wasn't a great start but hey, everybody seemed to do it so why not me?! As time passed my mascara used decreased, to both a normal amount when applying and to only applying it for either occasions where it was socially expected to wear mascara or whenever I felt like it. 

By my 18th birthday I expended my make-up use to mascara AND lipstick. What a wild girl! Now at 21 those are still the only types of make-up I reply somewhat regularly. 

How come I never expanded my make-up range? Well first off I am the oldest in the family which means I had to find out everything myself and let's say make-up wasn't one of the things I put a lot of time in finding out. Then there was the stigma around make-up and how every girl should wear it, the more the better, and me as the rebellious teenager I was figured I would annoy the world by not wearing make up. By now I realise how unimportant make up is and how it doesn't define you as a person but hey, teenage me didn't have a clue. Oh and also my line of work (nursing) doesn't really allow you to wear excessive makeup due to hygiene. 

But what makes me not use make-up the most is the fact that I just don't understand it. I don't understand how to put on eyeliner correctly or how to get foundation on evenly. These things need to be taught to me but they never were and I never got the courage to ask as I assumed make-up was something girls just knew all about. So now at 21 make-up is still a big mystery to me and I don't think that will ever change. However I would love to be able to apply the right tone of foundation in an even way over my face before doing a photo-shoot or when I have a fancy party to attend. Also perfecting my mascara and lipstick skills. Mostly the lipstick as I cannot find a way to make it stick to my lips for over 10 seconds. Don't even get me started on nail polish.

The main question however is does this really bug me? In a way it definitely doesn't. I don't feel the need to wear makeup in order to look pretty, I am confident enough to know I look pretty even without makeup. Would I like to obtain applying makeup as a new skill, yes I would, mostly to understand people that do wear a lot of makeup better and to perfect my look when I feel like doing so. 

Wearing makeup isn't something you should feel obliged to do, you are a beautiful woman both with and without it! If makeup makes you feel more comfortable than please feel free to wear it! If wearing makeup feels more like a social obligation, please learn to say no, to those who have you wear it and rock your makeupless look! Have faith in yourself and do you in the way you feel comfortable! Wearing makeup or not doesn't make you a better of less of a human being, YOU are what makes you an amazing human being and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

My goals for 2018.

Hiya and welcome to 2018!!!!!!

Hope you had an amazing new year's eve! Did you go to a rad party? Spend it with friends playing games or had a bit of me-time? Whichever way you spend the seemingly so important night that takes you from one year into another, I hope you had a good one!

I myself had the last minute plan to join a friend instead of spending the evening alone. Partly as everyone around me wasn't fond of me spending NEW YEARS EVE by my self (as if I care) and she was just going to hang out with friends which appeals to me much more than a party which is basically a high school reunion. Not a big fan of those....

But yeah, let's not dwell on the past. It's 2018 now! Big year I guess. For me it's going to be stressful as heck but also a LOT of fun. Stressful? Yeah, I'm kinda trying to graduate my nursing bachelor this year and both the thought of graduating and having to get a job plus the fact that I'll have to write a big ass dissertation aren't very fond thoughts. But for 2018 I also decided to say yes to things more, social things mainly. So to start that of right I booked tickets to see Ed Sheeran in concert and Dan and Phil on their new show both of which I'm incredibly excited for. Secondly I booked yet another surprise city-trip which is an exciting happening in itself. 

However back to the new year, together with fireworks and lot's of physical damage, the new year also comes with resolutions. Or goals as I prefer to call them. Resolutions seem to be meant to fail as all forms of media put them. So my goals for 2018. They're pretty simple and are all about me and taking care of me and making myself more happy. So let's take a look!

For 2018 I want to:

• Eat more plant based food; basically I want to eat more vegetarian/vegan and cut out a big part of the sweets and chocolate I tend to devour (rather regularly). This to both cut down the sugar highs (diabetes and otherwise), feel more healthy and give the environment some extra support. 
• Become more fit; a goal that repeats itself every year and is still relevant. During my time in South-Africa and my lack of sports there I noticed my mood go down, sugar levels go up, and average fitness become zero. Doing sports has such a positive effect on my physical and mental health that to me it is very important I keep up doing sports on a regular basis. For me this means a bit of fitness, pilates, and swimming. 
• Get my Hba1c to 45; this equals an average sugar level of 6.6 and helps me to avoid complications as diabetes wounds, heart failure or even amputations in the long run. It also helps me if I ever have the desire to have children. But overall decent sugar levels have a big positive impact on my mental health and physical functioning.
• Be kinder to myself; whenever something I really want doesn't work out I tend to become pretty down and can be quite harsh on myself. I have to learn to accept that life doesn't always come the way I want it and allow myself to fail once in a while. 

So much for the 'all about me and my health' goals. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that both physical and mental health issues are part of my daily life and getting control or at least accepting their being will always be something to strive toward. Hence all the goals mentioned above. However there are also goals I want to achieve that are not health related. Thanks to the hobbies. Let's get into those!

• Get my bachelors degree; the most obvious and practical one. In June I want to have finished my nursing bachelor with a pass on an interesting dissertation. Writing my dissertation both excites me and scares the crap out of me, but hey, I'll have to do it anyway so better get over it.
• Go on at least 4 trips abroad; this one might be a bit of a cheat as before 2018 even came to be I already had three of them planned. I've grown quite fond of travelling during my time in South-Africa and wish to continue doing so the next years. Plus one of them was a birthday present to my sister while another is my annual holiday to France. But hey that still leaves that fourth trip to be planned.

And last but not least:

• Start my internet career; this isn't really meant in earning money and blablabla. For years now I wanted to start a YouTube channel however every time I was about to start it I bailed out. Why? I don't know, maybe because being a YouTuber has become this popular thing, or because all the very successful YouTubers have been doing YouTube ever since I was still about to hit puberty. Something just always stopped me but now I am 21 and I feel ready. So keep your eyes open for that in the near future! But then besides YouTube I want to put more effort into this blog, everyone reading this messy internet place deserves good content and funny stories and it's up to me to stop postponing writing those stories. It's time I took some real responsibility for this blog and 2018 seems like the perfect time to do so!

These are my goals and I am incredibly excited to start working on each and every one of them! Did you set some goals for yourself for 2018? Is 2018 going to be your year? Please share your stories with me and like that we can keep each other motivated!

Lots of love,

ThatDutchGirl96