For years I have been fighting for myself, for a place in this world. To feel like I belong in this world, but most of all, to find out more about me. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to go? All these questions but no answers...
No one could give me the answers to those questions, and that made me feel so frustrated. It made me feel so alone, as if no one was really able to help me. As if I had to face the big scary world alone after all. As if the only person I could rely on in this world was myself.
Now I'm further than I've ever been, climbing the mountain representing life. I look down sometimes, to reflect, but also to see how far I have come. And wow what a distance I have climbed up already. There are some holes in the mountains as well, but those deep tunnels are all connected and come back up to the surface in a different place on the mountain.
Those holes, the rough parts of the mountains, they mostly represent my teen years. The years so much happened and I fought so hard. Therapist after therapist, I visited. Wall after wall I build and broke down again. An endless amount of buckets stands beside the track, filled with all the tears I cried. People entered my life and left again. So much changed. There are some labels as well, Type 1 Diabetes and ASD. Well, they look pretty good from up here. I do feel them though, and they do weigh me down quite a bit, but it's mostly knowledge and tools I've been given to deal with them.
I have a beautiful view now. The road in front of me is foggy, mysterious, keeping tons of secrets I have yet to discover. Where I'm standing right now the path feels steady, no loose rocks that might make me trip, steady. Life is good, and as I look down I start tearing up again. Not because I feel sad, it's because I feel proud. Proud of what I have achieved over the last eight years. Proud of how I kept falling down, but always stood back up, no matter how much the fall had hurt. How I kept breaking down the walls I build for myself. Yes, reaching the point where I am now wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all, but I made it. I am where I am now because of everything that happened during the rough parts of the climb.
And those questions I've been asking myself. Well I don't think I'll ever really answer them. All the answers will be is temporary as I keep climbing up, facing new challenges, meeting new people, become a new version of myself. In 20 years I might have an even better view, the path might be even steadier, maybe even broader so a family of my own can help me climbing my mountain.
One thing I have learned about answering the questions however, is that you never have to do it alone. No matter how lost and lonely you feel, every person you meet in your life, every choice you make. Those might not give you the answer, or the answer you want. But they will always give you a little piece of the answer, this massive infinite puzzle that is your life.
Lately I've been given brightly coloured pieces only. Why? Because I found happiness. Not in someone else but in myself. I'm proud of what I have achieved so far and I've never been happier with who I am. I have more energy and the world has become this wonderful place again instead of a battlefield with me facing the rest of the world.
You know, life does want you to be happy and I realise that now. With a genuine smile on my face, the strangest feeling in my stomach, and more energy than I could ever need, I face the road ahead. I head into the fog, ready for my next adventure and so far so good. The path is steady and so am I.
Life is good.