I'm in control.

Hiya!

Recently I've started to realise something. I'm becoming more and more aware of my anxiety and all the things that are a trigger to it. I keep noticing new weird things that make me utterly anxious. However, with these realisations I also found out how in control of them I am and that's something I have never noticed before.

I've known for a long time that I am one of the many people struggling with anxiety. Another thing I've known for a long time is how ridiculous and irrational my anxiety can be some times. It's also such a fluctuating thing, like one day I'm fine doing a certain thing and a week later that same thing has become utterly terrifying. Anxiety is ridiculous and I hate it.

The only fun I'm having with it nowadays is that I'm noticing my anxiety earlier and have become more of a rational thinker. I like to think I am anyways. Example: this week I launched a questionnaire at my internship for my bachelor thesis. I had sent it over email the evening before and as soon as I step foot on the ward I felt my anxiety kicking in. Thoughts like: 'people will ask you about it all day' 'they won't have seen the questionnaire yet' 'they might not see it at all' 'you will have to remind people to fill it out all day' 'they'll think you're annoying', started a storm inside my mind. Yet as I put my bag in my locker, rational thinking kicked in and I realised that everybody knows I'm an intern and part of my internship is doing research which involves a questionnaire. I also realised that part of putting out a questionnaire is making people aware of it so it's normal that I would have to remind people to fill it out and that it's normal for people to have feedback on it or questions about it. And as more and more of these rational thoughts popped up in that anxious brain of mine my anxiety faded. It was still there but much smaller than it had been before, by now it was acceptable. 

Even though my anxiety was still there it stopped being the centre of my universe at that point. It became more of a Pluto, still part of my solar system but not as big as the Sun. It made me feel more in control of my own life, even on this one occasion. It showed me that I'm more than my anxiety and that my anxiety doesn't define me. My anxiety is even more ridiculous than my depression on most days and that is now how I am going to live my life. It's my life for god's sake and not the life of my anxiety. 

Fear is a normal thing, fear can be a superpower if it has to be, but it should never become the villain of the main character. EVER. Fear can be a fuel, a motivation to become better as long as YOU remain the main character in your own life. 

By just stopping and thinking about my anxiety I figured out how ridiculous it actually is and how I let these stupid thoughts control my life instead of me controlling them. It showed me that I'm growing, that character development is taking place. 

I know this isn't THE cure to anxiety and that some have it worse than others. But give rationality a chance, it might just save you. Why not give it a try? Become more aware of your thoughts and the spiral it sends you in, and try to reverse it. Who knows, maybe something incredible results from it. I believe in you.

Lots of love,
ThatDutchgirl96