Stuck.

Hello,

Lately I got stuck. Stuck in my body, stuck in my brain, stuck in my life. It's like all the joy and optimism that used to run through my body has drained. Every last bit of it, gone leaving a huge black void. 

I hate it, I thought I had dealt with that in my past and that it would be over now, that I could handle the black void inside of me. Wrong, I got stuck again. Incapable of going forward but oh so capable to go back to my past. Dwell over memories, some better than others however mostly bad ones. The black void started to swallow more and more good memories leaving me with only the horrors of my past. Huge mistakes, big regrets and unfortunate accidents.

This was also the reason there was no blog last week. I couldn't write. I couldn't find the energy, the inspiration. My mind had gone blank, nothing excited me anymore, all colours gone like they never existed. Life went by while I stood still, screaming, slamming my fists against the walls of the cage in which I was held captive. Despite the time that had passed since the last time I got trapped in that cage there were still visible signs of my stay. These signs and the horrors of my past were driving me insane. Rolling down an endless hill. 

Unable to write, stuck as I was, the void kept growing. Feeding on my thoughts along with new memories. Enjoying it's increasing size and power. It had taken over most of my mind in only a couple of days. Leaving me with 0.0 concentration, willpower and energy and a thousand things I still had to do. Rolling down, rolling down. The hill got bigger, it was huge and I was small. It was strong and I was weak. With every meter I rolled down I saw signs of my previous falls yet there were also signs of me getting back up. Climbing up the hill, beating the void and shrink it to it's original size. These signs, the signs of me getting back up, slowly stopped me. Keeping me from rolling down. 

Yes eventually I got back up. Not alone, no the mountain had grown too high for that. Friends helped me, brought me my climbing gear and climbed up the mountain with me. Picking up the inspiration, the concentration and the willpower I had lost. Bringing colour back in my life. I am almost at the top. Life is colourful again and it is beautiful. The void will never leave although for now it is small again. I will feed it with bad memories whenever I gain a good one. We are both happy now.

So please remember, no matter how bad your situation is right now it will get better. It always gets better! Never forget that!

Lots of love, ThatDutchGirl96