Consciously living.

Hey guys!

A couple of years back I was positive I was going to end up living elsewhere. Away from my hometown, the further the better. It took me some time but here I am. Probably living the furthest from home I ever will. Living in South-Africa. Same timezone, different side of the equator. 

To be honest. It's a lot different from how I imagined it to be. First of all, it's temporary. Second of all, even though I never thought I would, I kind of start to miss home. When I say home I don't really mean my family, my mum, my dad. I do really miss my youngest sister though, no matter how much of a grumpy teenager she can be, she's still the younger version of myself. The only difference being the diabetes, and she actually likes the vampire diaries. We couldn't be that similar now could we. But most of all, I miss home. My own trusted environment and the structure it holds and the peace that brings me. 

Life here is different, the people are different and the culture is different. Adapting here wasn't the difficult part, it was pretty easy. The South-African way of life is much more easy going and slow paced than the Dutch way, and that is something I really like. The South-African way gives me more time to process, to take in everything and to live my life. It's settling here that is giving me my problems. This constantly nagging feeling in my stomach, leaving me feeling very uncomfortable at the strangest moments. Keeping me from enjoying my time here to the fullest. Rooting here, for however briefly that might be, is something I would love to do. To let go of my ties to home for a little while, to not be remembered of that return flight home but to just enjoy every day that passes instead of counting the days that are left. Can the glass be half full for just a day? That would be great.

For some reason my heart and mind have lost touch of each other. The heart trying it's hardest to escape the iron grip my mind has gotten on my life. Conscious living I call it, but not the good kind of conscious. It's the being aware of your every step, your every breath kind of conscious. The one that won't let you enjoy what you are doing, whether that is taking in the most beautiful views or interacting with the most incredible wildlife. Not even planning my holiday road trip could make me feel joy, or excitement. It's as if my heart, my feelings have been captured, not able to move around, not able to make me feel no matter how desperately I want to. No. My mind has taken over and it has me counting every step I take. It's driving me crazy.

South-Africa is definitely the best choice I ever made and I love being here and doing all these crazy things. To be a teacher, to meet new people, do crazy things. It's the best time of my life but something is holding me back and it makes me feel so utterly frustrated. Maybe just maybe, my mind will realise how ridiculous it's been behaving, that I don't need to be kept closed off from my feelings like this. That I am allowed to feel, to love, to get hurt, to feel sad. It's okay. It's totally fine and I am ready for my mind to realise this. 

I will keep you updated.
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96