Hiya!
Recently I've started to realise something. I'm becoming more and more aware of my anxiety and all the things that are a trigger to it. I keep noticing new weird things that make me utterly anxious. However, with these realisations I also found out how in control of them I am and that's something I have never noticed before.
I've known for a long time that I am one of the many people struggling with anxiety. Another thing I've known for a long time is how ridiculous and irrational my anxiety can be some times. It's also such a fluctuating thing, like one day I'm fine doing a certain thing and a week later that same thing has become utterly terrifying. Anxiety is ridiculous and I hate it.
The only fun I'm having with it nowadays is that I'm noticing my anxiety earlier and have become more of a rational thinker. I like to think I am anyways. Example: this week I launched a questionnaire at my internship for my bachelor thesis. I had sent it over email the evening before and as soon as I step foot on the ward I felt my anxiety kicking in. Thoughts like: 'people will ask you about it all day' 'they won't have seen the questionnaire yet' 'they might not see it at all' 'you will have to remind people to fill it out all day' 'they'll think you're annoying', started a storm inside my mind. Yet as I put my bag in my locker, rational thinking kicked in and I realised that everybody knows I'm an intern and part of my internship is doing research which involves a questionnaire. I also realised that part of putting out a questionnaire is making people aware of it so it's normal that I would have to remind people to fill it out and that it's normal for people to have feedback on it or questions about it. And as more and more of these rational thoughts popped up in that anxious brain of mine my anxiety faded. It was still there but much smaller than it had been before, by now it was acceptable.
Even though my anxiety was still there it stopped being the centre of my universe at that point. It became more of a Pluto, still part of my solar system but not as big as the Sun. It made me feel more in control of my own life, even on this one occasion. It showed me that I'm more than my anxiety and that my anxiety doesn't define me. My anxiety is even more ridiculous than my depression on most days and that is now how I am going to live my life. It's my life for god's sake and not the life of my anxiety.
Fear is a normal thing, fear can be a superpower if it has to be, but it should never become the villain of the main character. EVER. Fear can be a fuel, a motivation to become better as long as YOU remain the main character in your own life.
By just stopping and thinking about my anxiety I figured out how ridiculous it actually is and how I let these stupid thoughts control my life instead of me controlling them. It showed me that I'm growing, that character development is taking place.
I know this isn't THE cure to anxiety and that some have it worse than others. But give rationality a chance, it might just save you. Why not give it a try? Become more aware of your thoughts and the spiral it sends you in, and try to reverse it. Who knows, maybe something incredible results from it. I believe in you.
Lots of love,
ThatDutchgirl96
Showing posts with label tw: depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tw: depression. Show all posts
Saturday, 7 April 2018
Saturday, 17 February 2018
My mental health.
Hiya!
For almost 10 years I've been in the loop with mental health issues and mental health care. I don't even know which one is worse.
Now before I start with this post, I can only speak from personal experiences. My own mental health issues and the health care I received when dealing with those issues. Maybe a bit of Dutch mental health care in general but that's it. Everyone experiences mental health issues differently, every country has it's own views and accessibility of mental health care or health care in general. If my personal experiences differ from your's feel free to share you experiences with me.
I would like this blog to be a safe place for people that struggle with mental health issues and the care available for those. So if you struggle with mental health issues or just want to complain about them and the health care around them please send me a message or leave a comment!
Let's get back to my problems. As mentioned before, I've been in the loop of mental health care/ issues since I was 12. Seeing one therapist after the other. I've had different kinds of therapy like hypnosis and behavioural therapy. I've seen therapists for many different reasons. But then I became 18, and a month later I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist. She was an absolute gem and helped me through my gap year to get me ready to go back to university right after that. After my last session with her I finally felt like me again, which I hand't in a very very long time. Being 18 and going back to uni would be the beginning of my life. Everything was fine and I was going to fly through life from there on.
Oh how wrong I was. During university I've had multiple breakdowns, multiple times where my mum urged me to go back to seeing a therapist and even more times when I turned down these offers because I didn't need therapy anymore. That chapter was closed in August after I turned 18. I left therapy in 2014. And every time I managed, some times the struggle went on for days, other times for weeks but every time I came out on top and could continue my life. Mental health issues under control and no more therapy. During these last years I literally kept convincing myself through every breakdown that I, Renée, didn't need therapy. Therapy had given me all the tips and tricks I would need to get through those damn breakdowns.
HA HA.
Get ready for the 'best' part. Now I'm 21, it's 2018, the year I promised myself would be even better than 2017, and I'm on a waiting list to get back into therapy. How far I've come.....
Actually I've come pretty far. I've come from being 18 and convinced I would never need therapy again. Keeping myself convinced during all the breakdowns that followed until somewhere in 2017 where there wasn't really a breakdown. Maybe a cumulative sum of several small less good things, I'm not too sure. But at one point whilst in South-Africa (best time ever tho) I knew my emotional state was back at an all time low. I just knew something was off, my smiles became more forced, the sparkle in my eyes disappeared most days and I just felt so emotionally flat. Like there was this big black hole of emptiness back inside me just like it had been there whilst still seeing therapists.
But hey, I was in South-Africa and life was pretty great in general so I just went through with it. Telling myself I would just wait and see when I came back to Holland. Maybe it would go away, because I had the skills to overcome these things myself remember?! Well, I lost the skill. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and that empty feeling is still there. My body is constantly tense, there is a massive wall including moat filled with crocodiles around me, and my emotions are still non existent. The worst thing about it is no one notices. Not even my mum who was onto me during all the previous breakdowns. Did I really become this good at hiding my (lack of) feelings?
However this time 'I don't need therapy' Renée decided to take matters in her own hand. Firstly to get a phsyical examination due to complaints of exhaustion, which came back with nothing (as expected). Then I decided why not? Why not go back to seeing a therapist? You've been there and done that so you know the drill. Just get yourself that extra bit of help maybe until graduation, maybe after that until you get your life back together. Maybe until you find out what you really want to do with that life of yours.
Just get help.
So here I am, during the second month of supposedly best year yet, ready to ask for help again. On a waiting list to get that help in early march. It was my best decision in a long time and I'm honestly counting down to the 2nd of march, the day where I'll be back in therapy. The day where I'm back to getting my life back on track. The day where I can start relaxing again. I am ready!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
ps. sorry if this triggered you in any way. That was not how this blog was intended. If you feel like you need a friend or just a listening ear, don't hesitate to send me a message or leave a comment.
pps. if this blogpost helped you in any way also let me know! If it encouraged you to seek help too, or at least look into the different options of mental health care I'm forever grateful.
For almost 10 years I've been in the loop with mental health issues and mental health care. I don't even know which one is worse.
Now before I start with this post, I can only speak from personal experiences. My own mental health issues and the health care I received when dealing with those issues. Maybe a bit of Dutch mental health care in general but that's it. Everyone experiences mental health issues differently, every country has it's own views and accessibility of mental health care or health care in general. If my personal experiences differ from your's feel free to share you experiences with me.
I would like this blog to be a safe place for people that struggle with mental health issues and the care available for those. So if you struggle with mental health issues or just want to complain about them and the health care around them please send me a message or leave a comment!
Let's get back to my problems. As mentioned before, I've been in the loop of mental health care/ issues since I was 12. Seeing one therapist after the other. I've had different kinds of therapy like hypnosis and behavioural therapy. I've seen therapists for many different reasons. But then I became 18, and a month later I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist. She was an absolute gem and helped me through my gap year to get me ready to go back to university right after that. After my last session with her I finally felt like me again, which I hand't in a very very long time. Being 18 and going back to uni would be the beginning of my life. Everything was fine and I was going to fly through life from there on.
Oh how wrong I was. During university I've had multiple breakdowns, multiple times where my mum urged me to go back to seeing a therapist and even more times when I turned down these offers because I didn't need therapy anymore. That chapter was closed in August after I turned 18. I left therapy in 2014. And every time I managed, some times the struggle went on for days, other times for weeks but every time I came out on top and could continue my life. Mental health issues under control and no more therapy. During these last years I literally kept convincing myself through every breakdown that I, Renée, didn't need therapy. Therapy had given me all the tips and tricks I would need to get through those damn breakdowns.
HA HA.
Get ready for the 'best' part. Now I'm 21, it's 2018, the year I promised myself would be even better than 2017, and I'm on a waiting list to get back into therapy. How far I've come.....
Actually I've come pretty far. I've come from being 18 and convinced I would never need therapy again. Keeping myself convinced during all the breakdowns that followed until somewhere in 2017 where there wasn't really a breakdown. Maybe a cumulative sum of several small less good things, I'm not too sure. But at one point whilst in South-Africa (best time ever tho) I knew my emotional state was back at an all time low. I just knew something was off, my smiles became more forced, the sparkle in my eyes disappeared most days and I just felt so emotionally flat. Like there was this big black hole of emptiness back inside me just like it had been there whilst still seeing therapists.
But hey, I was in South-Africa and life was pretty great in general so I just went through with it. Telling myself I would just wait and see when I came back to Holland. Maybe it would go away, because I had the skills to overcome these things myself remember?! Well, I lost the skill. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and that empty feeling is still there. My body is constantly tense, there is a massive wall including moat filled with crocodiles around me, and my emotions are still non existent. The worst thing about it is no one notices. Not even my mum who was onto me during all the previous breakdowns. Did I really become this good at hiding my (lack of) feelings?
However this time 'I don't need therapy' Renée decided to take matters in her own hand. Firstly to get a phsyical examination due to complaints of exhaustion, which came back with nothing (as expected). Then I decided why not? Why not go back to seeing a therapist? You've been there and done that so you know the drill. Just get yourself that extra bit of help maybe until graduation, maybe after that until you get your life back together. Maybe until you find out what you really want to do with that life of yours.
Just get help.
So here I am, during the second month of supposedly best year yet, ready to ask for help again. On a waiting list to get that help in early march. It was my best decision in a long time and I'm honestly counting down to the 2nd of march, the day where I'll be back in therapy. The day where I'm back to getting my life back on track. The day where I can start relaxing again. I am ready!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
ps. sorry if this triggered you in any way. That was not how this blog was intended. If you feel like you need a friend or just a listening ear, don't hesitate to send me a message or leave a comment.
pps. if this blogpost helped you in any way also let me know! If it encouraged you to seek help too, or at least look into the different options of mental health care I'm forever grateful.
Saturday, 6 January 2018
My goals for 2018.
Hiya and welcome to 2018!!!!!!
Hope you had an amazing new year's eve! Did you go to a rad party? Spend it with friends playing games or had a bit of me-time? Whichever way you spend the seemingly so important night that takes you from one year into another, I hope you had a good one!
I myself had the last minute plan to join a friend instead of spending the evening alone. Partly as everyone around me wasn't fond of me spending NEW YEARS EVE by my self (as if I care) and she was just going to hang out with friends which appeals to me much more than a party which is basically a high school reunion. Not a big fan of those....
But yeah, let's not dwell on the past. It's 2018 now! Big year I guess. For me it's going to be stressful as heck but also a LOT of fun. Stressful? Yeah, I'm kinda trying to graduate my nursing bachelor this year and both the thought of graduating and having to get a job plus the fact that I'll have to write a big ass dissertation aren't very fond thoughts. But for 2018 I also decided to say yes to things more, social things mainly. So to start that of right I booked tickets to see Ed Sheeran in concert and Dan and Phil on their new show both of which I'm incredibly excited for. Secondly I booked yet another surprise city-trip which is an exciting happening in itself.
However back to the new year, together with fireworks and lot's of physical damage, the new year also comes with resolutions. Or goals as I prefer to call them. Resolutions seem to be meant to fail as all forms of media put them. So my goals for 2018. They're pretty simple and are all about me and taking care of me and making myself more happy. So let's take a look!
For 2018 I want to:
Hope you had an amazing new year's eve! Did you go to a rad party? Spend it with friends playing games or had a bit of me-time? Whichever way you spend the seemingly so important night that takes you from one year into another, I hope you had a good one!
I myself had the last minute plan to join a friend instead of spending the evening alone. Partly as everyone around me wasn't fond of me spending NEW YEARS EVE by my self (as if I care) and she was just going to hang out with friends which appeals to me much more than a party which is basically a high school reunion. Not a big fan of those....
But yeah, let's not dwell on the past. It's 2018 now! Big year I guess. For me it's going to be stressful as heck but also a LOT of fun. Stressful? Yeah, I'm kinda trying to graduate my nursing bachelor this year and both the thought of graduating and having to get a job plus the fact that I'll have to write a big ass dissertation aren't very fond thoughts. But for 2018 I also decided to say yes to things more, social things mainly. So to start that of right I booked tickets to see Ed Sheeran in concert and Dan and Phil on their new show both of which I'm incredibly excited for. Secondly I booked yet another surprise city-trip which is an exciting happening in itself.
However back to the new year, together with fireworks and lot's of physical damage, the new year also comes with resolutions. Or goals as I prefer to call them. Resolutions seem to be meant to fail as all forms of media put them. So my goals for 2018. They're pretty simple and are all about me and taking care of me and making myself more happy. So let's take a look!
For 2018 I want to:
- Eat more plant based food; basically I want to eat more vegetarian/vegan and cut out a big part of the sweets and chocolate I tend to devour (rather regularly). This to both cut down the sugar highs (diabetes and otherwise), feel more healthy and give the environment some extra support.
- Become more fit; a goal that repeats itself every year and is still relevant. During my time in South-Africa and my lack of sports there I noticed my mood go down, sugar levels go up, and average fitness become zero. Doing sports has such a positive effect on my physical and mental health that to me it is very important I keep up doing sports on a regular basis. For me this means a bit of fitness, pilates, and swimming.
- Get my Hba1c to 45; this equals an average sugar level of 6.6 and helps me to avoid complications as diabetes wounds, heart failure or even amputations in the long run. It also helps me if I ever have the desire to have children. But overall decent sugar levels have a big positive impact on my mental health and physical functioning.
- Be kinder to myself; whenever something I really want doesn't work out I tend to become pretty down and can be quite harsh on myself. I have to learn to accept that life doesn't always come the way I want it and allow myself to fail once in a while.
So much for the 'all about me and my health' goals. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know that both physical and mental health issues are part of my daily life and getting control or at least accepting their being will always be something to strive toward. Hence all the goals mentioned above. However there are also goals I want to achieve that are not health related. Thanks to the hobbies. Let's get into those!
- Get my bachelors degree; the most obvious and practical one. In June I want to have finished my nursing bachelor with a pass on an interesting dissertation. Writing my dissertation both excites me and scares the crap out of me, but hey, I'll have to do it anyway so better get over it.
- Go on at least 4 trips abroad; this one might be a bit of a cheat as before 2018 even came to be I already had three of them planned. I've grown quite fond of travelling during my time in South-Africa and wish to continue doing so the next years. Plus one of them was a birthday present to my sister while another is my annual holiday to France. But hey that still leaves that fourth trip to be planned.
And last but not least:
- Start my internet career; this isn't really meant in earning money and blablabla. For years now I wanted to start a YouTube channel however every time I was about to start it I bailed out. Why? I don't know, maybe because being a YouTuber has become this popular thing, or because all the very successful YouTubers have been doing YouTube ever since I was still about to hit puberty. Something just always stopped me but now I am 21 and I feel ready. So keep your eyes open for that in the near future! But then besides YouTube I want to put more effort into this blog, everyone reading this messy internet place deserves good content and funny stories and it's up to me to stop postponing writing those stories. It's time I took some real responsibility for this blog and 2018 seems like the perfect time to do so!
These are my goals and I am incredibly excited to start working on each and every one of them! Did you set some goals for yourself for 2018? Is 2018 going to be your year? Please share your stories with me and like that we can keep each other motivated!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
Friday, 22 December 2017
Thank you mum.
Thank you mum.
For putting up with me all these years, for raising me and taking care of me. For crossing me even though, years later, I realised you did the right thing and pushed me in the right direction. Thanks for working your teacher magic when checking my schoolwork and essays. Thanks for even being my teacher a lot of years ago.
Mum thanks for accompanying me to all the appointments. Dentist, doctor, diabetes nurse, psychologists, psychiatrists, school appointments. No matter how I behaved before, after or during the appointment you would go with me. Thanks for that, a lot.
Thanks for pushing me to talk, pushing me to reflect and pushing me to get the help I definitely needed.
Thanks for all the times we disagreed, and you turned out to be right. Thanks for being the best taxi driver, for going shopping with me and for trying your hardest to keep this family functioning.
And mum, I'm sorry for the screaming and shouting, all those mean words I said and at the time meant but regret now. Sorry for being such a difficult kid who needed way too long to figure herself out. Sorry for being so different. Sorry for being the first in a line of three children with mental problems, really I'm sorry for starting the trend.
Sorry for myself, my sisters and my dad for not being a real family. Sorry that all we share is the roof over our heads. I apologise for all the malfunctions, the fights, the struggles, the disagreements that exist in our household on a daily basis.
But mum, even though we can be very hard on you, and with we I mean all of us. Everyone in our family, the people at your work now and all the previous jobs you had, the world, your own body even with it's ruined hips. Even though we are a bunch of losers sometimes and you wished us away. And trust me, I know you've thought that more than once. I heard you say it more than once too. But you will just have to deal with us a bit longer. Soon you'll miss us, we will leave the house and leave you and dad to yourselves. Finally a bit of peace.
And how grateful I am of you having a bit of stability with your current job and how proud I am of you with everything you are doing there. Teaching the kids a new language, more than one and you teach them math and you support them as a therapist would. You are not only my mum but a little bit their mum as well. And I think you do a pretty damn good job! You inspire your learners, you help them grow and develop themselves. Some of that I took with me to South-Africa and projected on my own learners. Because that is the real strength of being a teacher; supporting your learners in more ways than just educationally.
Mum you are a hero. Working on so many things at once and making every one of them succesful. You are an inspiration not only to your learners but to me as well and it's such an incredible thing to see you being so happy with the work you are doing.
You help everyone around you and sometimes that breaks you down but that is exactly who I want to become. I want to help people, just like you do. Thanks mum for showing me that, for handing me some incredible opportunities and for allowing and helping me to grow into the person I am now. A clear vision of the future, it's bright and just like you I am able to help a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
So mum, again I am very sorry but I'm also very thankful and proud of you as my mum. Keep up the good work! And even though I know you will never read this I wanted to put it out there. Mums worldwide aren't appreciated enough and they are all heroes! So this goes out to all mums but most importantly mine. Thanks a lot!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
For putting up with me all these years, for raising me and taking care of me. For crossing me even though, years later, I realised you did the right thing and pushed me in the right direction. Thanks for working your teacher magic when checking my schoolwork and essays. Thanks for even being my teacher a lot of years ago.
Mum thanks for accompanying me to all the appointments. Dentist, doctor, diabetes nurse, psychologists, psychiatrists, school appointments. No matter how I behaved before, after or during the appointment you would go with me. Thanks for that, a lot.
Thanks for pushing me to talk, pushing me to reflect and pushing me to get the help I definitely needed.
Thanks for all the times we disagreed, and you turned out to be right. Thanks for being the best taxi driver, for going shopping with me and for trying your hardest to keep this family functioning.
And mum, I'm sorry for the screaming and shouting, all those mean words I said and at the time meant but regret now. Sorry for being such a difficult kid who needed way too long to figure herself out. Sorry for being so different. Sorry for being the first in a line of three children with mental problems, really I'm sorry for starting the trend.
Sorry for myself, my sisters and my dad for not being a real family. Sorry that all we share is the roof over our heads. I apologise for all the malfunctions, the fights, the struggles, the disagreements that exist in our household on a daily basis.
But mum, even though we can be very hard on you, and with we I mean all of us. Everyone in our family, the people at your work now and all the previous jobs you had, the world, your own body even with it's ruined hips. Even though we are a bunch of losers sometimes and you wished us away. And trust me, I know you've thought that more than once. I heard you say it more than once too. But you will just have to deal with us a bit longer. Soon you'll miss us, we will leave the house and leave you and dad to yourselves. Finally a bit of peace.
And how grateful I am of you having a bit of stability with your current job and how proud I am of you with everything you are doing there. Teaching the kids a new language, more than one and you teach them math and you support them as a therapist would. You are not only my mum but a little bit their mum as well. And I think you do a pretty damn good job! You inspire your learners, you help them grow and develop themselves. Some of that I took with me to South-Africa and projected on my own learners. Because that is the real strength of being a teacher; supporting your learners in more ways than just educationally.
Mum you are a hero. Working on so many things at once and making every one of them succesful. You are an inspiration not only to your learners but to me as well and it's such an incredible thing to see you being so happy with the work you are doing.
You help everyone around you and sometimes that breaks you down but that is exactly who I want to become. I want to help people, just like you do. Thanks mum for showing me that, for handing me some incredible opportunities and for allowing and helping me to grow into the person I am now. A clear vision of the future, it's bright and just like you I am able to help a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
So mum, again I am very sorry but I'm also very thankful and proud of you as my mum. Keep up the good work! And even though I know you will never read this I wanted to put it out there. Mums worldwide aren't appreciated enough and they are all heroes! So this goes out to all mums but most importantly mine. Thanks a lot!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
Monday, 18 July 2016
20 things I've done before turning 20.
Hello inhabitants of the world!
Today is the day I've turned 20. No big party planned (that was yesterday), so just a nice day to spend with my family, the sun and to hang by the pool. As turning 20 isn't something to take lightly, you're suddenly not a teen anymore!!!!! So hereby, I would like to share with you, 20 things I've done before turning 20.
1. Teaching myself to read.
Before turning four and starting kindergarten I had already taught myself to read. probably where my love for books started.
2. Graduating from high school.
Since I know a few 20 year-olds who haven't graduated high school yet I think this kind of counts as an achievement so yeah here it is.
3. Taking Anglia as an extra class.
Oh how I've complained about this extra class during the five years I took it. Now, looking back on it, however I'm pretty glad I took that class as it helped me improve my English even further and it made my high school time a bit more challenging, study-wise.
4. MSN.
When you're around my age you will know this as the most amazing early forms of social media there was and ever will be. MSN was our way of messaging friends, to stay in touch. Together with MySpace this was the start of social media and where we started to get lost in the digital world.
5. Attending my first actual festival.
This happened only recently when I visited PinkPop, a pretty cool festival in the South of Holland. I really recommend you go there once if you're able to, that is.
6. Getting my drivers license.
Quite a milestone in every persons life. I failed twice before finally passing my drivers test and I was in tears when I finally passed. It was amazing and being able to drive by myself has given me a new form of freedom.
7. Started university.
Two years ago I officially started university. Now I'm two years in my nursing course and after summer I'll proceed to the third year of this course. My next internship will be in the same hospital I'm being treated for my diabetes so that will be fun!
8. Getting my first kiss.
Not really a very great one but hey, it's something that should be on here right?! Let's not go into this any deeper.
9. Went on a vacation without my parents.
My first vacation without my parents was when I went to South Africa for two weeks to volunteer. This was with Worldmapping, whom I would 100% recommend if you're under 18 and want to volunteer abroad! The year after South Africa I went to Brasil, also with Worldmapping.
10. Go outside of Europe.
My parents never took us outside of Europe, they're not much for travelling far and wide so if I wanted to explore the world I would have to do it myself. This I did together with 20 other people aged between 14 and 18 years old. The two trips I've taken outside of Europe, both with Worldmapping, changed my life for the better and I am so grateful I got to take these chances.
Okay halfway there. Let me think of some more amazing things I've done before turning 20.
11. Getting diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes.
Not a very happy or amazing thing but still a very important one. My diabetes changed my life for ever. I now have to truly take care of my own body. To get diagnosed with something like Diabetes when you're 15 is one of the worst things that can happen to you. It basically cuts of the rest of your childhood as you have to become completely responsible for yourself, your behaviour and your health. Pretty insane but I'm also pretty grateful for my Diabetes as it changed me as a person and without my Diabetes I wouldn't have done the amazing things I have done now. So as a wise Dutchman once said: "Every disadvantage has it's advantage."
12. Going on holidays with my friends.
Something I started doing since my gap year. That year I visited London with a good friend of mine, then came my trip to Brighton with a different friend and during New years I visited Disneyland Paris with yet another friend of mine. I treasure all these trips, they all were amazing in their own way and they made me fall in love with city-tripping and visiting new places that aren't too far away as well.
13. Having a great imagination.
Ever since I was a child I could get lost in my own imagination, in the worlds I created for myself. World so much better and happier than the world we live in. In these worlds I convinced myself I was Chinese, able to play Galactic Football (amazing series from my childhood), one of the Totally Spies (another TV-show), living in a cloud castle, and so much more. As I grew up, a lot of my imaginary worlds faded and eventually disappeared. However not all of my imagination is gone and I'm going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Life is way too boring without a good bit of imagination.
14. Beating depression.
For over 6 years I went from psychologist to hypnotherapist, back to a psychologist and on to a psychiatrist. After those six years I had gotten the diagnosis depression and learned to deal with it. This long process was one of the biggest challenges of my life but also one of the biggest victories as my last visit to the psychiatrist ended. It meant I was done and officially able to manage myself. Looking back on it I've come very far and nobody can take one bit of that progress away from me.
15. Turning 18.
The age I officially, theoretically, became an adult. Reaching the age of 18 in Holland means you can drive by yourself, are legally allowed to consume alcohol and you get to vote. FunFunFun.
16. Voted for the first time.
After turning 18, the local elections came around. Being 18 it meant I was allowed to vote and my vote is one I find very important and I personally think that once you're allowed to vote you should vote. As you vote you vote for your future which I think, is pretty amazing and you want to shape your own future don't you?!
17. Being alive during the change of the millenniums.
Yes I am one of those annoying millennials people are always talking about. I was born in 1996 so I don't remember much from New years eve 1999/ 2000. What I do know of it are mostly things that I got told afterwards, when I got older but yeah hey I was there when it happened!!!
18. Auditioned for a movie.
This didn't really work out and it was a bit of an impulsive move. When I was 14 I decided it was a good idea to audition for a movie. The audition was on the other side of Holland and it was this pretty big event. It was an amazing day and I had a lot of fun though. Maybe in the future???? I did have a small part in a Swedish children's series though, by the way. Recording that series was a lot of fun even though I don't speak a word Swedish.
19. Taking a gap-year.
After graduating from High School I took a gap year. This mostly due to my depression but it became an amazing year. I worked in a toy shop, pretty cool eh, got my drivers license, went to London (twice) and beat my depression. So yeah an amazing year with a lot of cool stuff.
20. Making fun of other people turning 20.
I'm one of the youngest among my friends so most of them have already turned 20. This led teasing them about being old and so adult. Now the jokes on me as my time to turn 20 has come. I'm a bit scared for the payback some friends have prepared for me but I'll give another update on that after my birthday party!
So that's it. 20 things I've done before turning 20. I hope you liked this very very long blogpost! If you've made it all the way down, congratulations! If you haven't, very understandable!
Anyway I hope you all passed your exams, proceeded to your next year of school and will have an amazing holiday!
ThatDutchGirl96
Today is the day I've turned 20. No big party planned (that was yesterday), so just a nice day to spend with my family, the sun and to hang by the pool. As turning 20 isn't something to take lightly, you're suddenly not a teen anymore!!!!! So hereby, I would like to share with you, 20 things I've done before turning 20.
1. Teaching myself to read.
Before turning four and starting kindergarten I had already taught myself to read. probably where my love for books started.
2. Graduating from high school.
Since I know a few 20 year-olds who haven't graduated high school yet I think this kind of counts as an achievement so yeah here it is.
3. Taking Anglia as an extra class.
Oh how I've complained about this extra class during the five years I took it. Now, looking back on it, however I'm pretty glad I took that class as it helped me improve my English even further and it made my high school time a bit more challenging, study-wise.
4. MSN.
When you're around my age you will know this as the most amazing early forms of social media there was and ever will be. MSN was our way of messaging friends, to stay in touch. Together with MySpace this was the start of social media and where we started to get lost in the digital world.
5. Attending my first actual festival.
This happened only recently when I visited PinkPop, a pretty cool festival in the South of Holland. I really recommend you go there once if you're able to, that is.
6. Getting my drivers license.
Quite a milestone in every persons life. I failed twice before finally passing my drivers test and I was in tears when I finally passed. It was amazing and being able to drive by myself has given me a new form of freedom.
7. Started university.
Two years ago I officially started university. Now I'm two years in my nursing course and after summer I'll proceed to the third year of this course. My next internship will be in the same hospital I'm being treated for my diabetes so that will be fun!
8. Getting my first kiss.
Not really a very great one but hey, it's something that should be on here right?! Let's not go into this any deeper.
9. Went on a vacation without my parents.
My first vacation without my parents was when I went to South Africa for two weeks to volunteer. This was with Worldmapping, whom I would 100% recommend if you're under 18 and want to volunteer abroad! The year after South Africa I went to Brasil, also with Worldmapping.
10. Go outside of Europe.
My parents never took us outside of Europe, they're not much for travelling far and wide so if I wanted to explore the world I would have to do it myself. This I did together with 20 other people aged between 14 and 18 years old. The two trips I've taken outside of Europe, both with Worldmapping, changed my life for the better and I am so grateful I got to take these chances.
Okay halfway there. Let me think of some more amazing things I've done before turning 20.
11. Getting diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes.
Not a very happy or amazing thing but still a very important one. My diabetes changed my life for ever. I now have to truly take care of my own body. To get diagnosed with something like Diabetes when you're 15 is one of the worst things that can happen to you. It basically cuts of the rest of your childhood as you have to become completely responsible for yourself, your behaviour and your health. Pretty insane but I'm also pretty grateful for my Diabetes as it changed me as a person and without my Diabetes I wouldn't have done the amazing things I have done now. So as a wise Dutchman once said: "Every disadvantage has it's advantage."
12. Going on holidays with my friends.
Something I started doing since my gap year. That year I visited London with a good friend of mine, then came my trip to Brighton with a different friend and during New years I visited Disneyland Paris with yet another friend of mine. I treasure all these trips, they all were amazing in their own way and they made me fall in love with city-tripping and visiting new places that aren't too far away as well.
13. Having a great imagination.
Ever since I was a child I could get lost in my own imagination, in the worlds I created for myself. World so much better and happier than the world we live in. In these worlds I convinced myself I was Chinese, able to play Galactic Football (amazing series from my childhood), one of the Totally Spies (another TV-show), living in a cloud castle, and so much more. As I grew up, a lot of my imaginary worlds faded and eventually disappeared. However not all of my imagination is gone and I'm going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Life is way too boring without a good bit of imagination.
14. Beating depression.
For over 6 years I went from psychologist to hypnotherapist, back to a psychologist and on to a psychiatrist. After those six years I had gotten the diagnosis depression and learned to deal with it. This long process was one of the biggest challenges of my life but also one of the biggest victories as my last visit to the psychiatrist ended. It meant I was done and officially able to manage myself. Looking back on it I've come very far and nobody can take one bit of that progress away from me.
15. Turning 18.
The age I officially, theoretically, became an adult. Reaching the age of 18 in Holland means you can drive by yourself, are legally allowed to consume alcohol and you get to vote. FunFunFun.
16. Voted for the first time.
After turning 18, the local elections came around. Being 18 it meant I was allowed to vote and my vote is one I find very important and I personally think that once you're allowed to vote you should vote. As you vote you vote for your future which I think, is pretty amazing and you want to shape your own future don't you?!
17. Being alive during the change of the millenniums.
Yes I am one of those annoying millennials people are always talking about. I was born in 1996 so I don't remember much from New years eve 1999/ 2000. What I do know of it are mostly things that I got told afterwards, when I got older but yeah hey I was there when it happened!!!
18. Auditioned for a movie.
This didn't really work out and it was a bit of an impulsive move. When I was 14 I decided it was a good idea to audition for a movie. The audition was on the other side of Holland and it was this pretty big event. It was an amazing day and I had a lot of fun though. Maybe in the future???? I did have a small part in a Swedish children's series though, by the way. Recording that series was a lot of fun even though I don't speak a word Swedish.
19. Taking a gap-year.
After graduating from High School I took a gap year. This mostly due to my depression but it became an amazing year. I worked in a toy shop, pretty cool eh, got my drivers license, went to London (twice) and beat my depression. So yeah an amazing year with a lot of cool stuff.
20. Making fun of other people turning 20.
I'm one of the youngest among my friends so most of them have already turned 20. This led teasing them about being old and so adult. Now the jokes on me as my time to turn 20 has come. I'm a bit scared for the payback some friends have prepared for me but I'll give another update on that after my birthday party!
So that's it. 20 things I've done before turning 20. I hope you liked this very very long blogpost! If you've made it all the way down, congratulations! If you haven't, very understandable!
Anyway I hope you all passed your exams, proceeded to your next year of school and will have an amazing holiday!
ThatDutchGirl96
Thursday, 23 April 2015
A little story about me.
Hello,
It is time for "the blog". The one I wrote a little prologue for a couple of days ago. A prologue containing some information about this blog. Please read the prologue before you read this blogpost.
I have been writing ever since I can remember. Little stories about unknown places and undiscovered dimensions. Places and people, all living in their own universe, on their own planet but still all in my head. All these universes flowing out of my pen onto paper, creating a story, a life line no one had heard of before.
Up to today I still love writing, to create new places and new people. Better places and better people. Yet besides all the fantastic stories my mind creates it is also constantly full. Full of thoughts, doubts, questions, feelings, dreams. Some more crazy than others, some more recent than others and others more present than some. My mind is a fantastic place and I absolutely love it. My mind however is also my greatest enemy.
As a little kid I already used to prefer living in the fantastic worlds inside my mind that in the real world. I have never been too fond of other people and always preferred being alone. There are a few people I have allowed into my life and even fewer that know what is going on inside my mind. Not the fantastic worlds but the enemy side. The dark side, the one that has been silently haunting me since the beginning of my days.
When I became twelve and it was time for secondary school the dark side of my mind began to show itself more and more often. The innocent little kid I was would soon disappear. In general secondary school was great. I met all of my friends there and even learnt some useful things besides all the useless sh*t they provide you with. Yes it is true, half of what you learn in secondary school is useless and you will never use it outside of school! Spoiler alert.
The first year was rather great and I felt like I had finally found my place in society. Despite all the fun I had I became incredibly sad and not knowing where the sadness came from made me angry, really angry. But no one wants to know you're sad right?! So I kept all the anger and sadness bottled up inside for as long as I could. Emptying the bottle a little every time I got a hold of a pen and wrote my feelings down on paper. The writing wasn't enough so some times the sadness and anger took over which I then took out on myself. Why? Well, it was my anger, my sadness so I should take it out on myself and not on anybody else. These anger attacks as I can safely call them were the start of years and years of therapy.
I really liked my first psychologist, she really helped me and together we looked for ways to deal with my anger. Some were more effective than others, and slowly I seemed to get 'better'. The anger attacks being dealt with, I became more silent in school, avoiding most social interaction and becoming rather lonely. This led to my psychologist helping me become more of a social person and helping me overcome some of my fears like asking people to hang out with me or calling people, friends or professionals like my dentist. I didn't overcome these things and every time I had to have a conversation with people in real life or on the phone I felt very anxious. The anger attacks were mostly over but had been replaced with anxiety and panic attacks.
As the dark side of my mind became stronger and bigger, I felt like I was losing control. As a nice bonus my psychologist had to go somewhere else so I would get another psychologist. This didn't go well and as the second year of secondary school came closer to an end we had to stop my therapy as there was no bond between my new psychologist and I. The panic attacks were still there, I started feeling more and more worthless and not worthy of being alive. I felt like a constant burden to everyone and anyone so I kept away from the world as much as possible. I did go to school though as I somewhat enjoyed the company of my friends and the happiness they radiated. It made me feel a little bit alive and that was all I needed. Without any professional help I had to help myself. I increased my writing as writing has always been a great way of dealing with my problems but what I wrote became darker and darker. The amazing universes were the only things I had left so I started living in there rather than on earth. But the darkness kept growing and eventually it started crushing the only things that kept me together.
I was lost, utterly lost. An increasing amount of panic attacks and a decreasing amount of social contact made me feel even more alone and unworthy of living. I started getting suicidal thoughts and I started planning my own death. I even wrote letters to everyone that needed to know the truth. At that time I was so done with life. Done with trying even though I had only been fighting my own mind a little over a year. Thinking back all the problems I had back then seem rather silly and I am very thankful I am still alive and able to do what I love doing.
After my first two psychologists I took a different turn and started hypnotherapy. The therapist was a lovely lady who has helped me through a lot of bad times and who has taught me several ways to remain calm and quiet my mind. In the time I got treated by her I also got into the hospital for a week. Diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The week before I got diagnosed might have been the worst week ever both mentally and physically. I wanted dead, death seemed peaceful to me as I was in such pain and I had no idea where the pain and all the other symptoms came from. Luckily I got control of my diabetes quite quickly and even though I had to change my lifestyle completely I felt happy again. I was in control of my life again. A little later I quit hypnotherapy.
This control didn't last very long as a little while later it was time for psychologist number 4. Number 4 and 5 were included in my "diabetes care package" together with physiotherapists and so on. Number 4 was yet another great psychologists who helped me with a lot of my problems but she too had to leave and got replaced by psychologist number 5. Just like last time this didn't work out so I quit treatment again and went on the helping myself road again. It just didn't work. Everything I tried was useless so eventually I started harming myself which got worse over time until my mum and doctor started to notice and sent me to a psychiatrist. Thanks to my psychiatrist I have more clarity about who I am now. She diagnosed me as very depressed and eventually I also got the diagnosis Pervasive Developmental Disorder also known as PDD. Both diagnosis didn't come as a surprise but they did give me a lot of clarity regarding my own mind and behaviour.
My depression disabled me from going to school. I couldn't concentrate, I was too afraid to participate in conversations and I was just too tired to keep up with everything. I cried on my way to school and on the way back. At home the crying continued until I was too tired to cry. Continuing my university course wasn't an option so I dropped out. The gap year I now had would consist mostly of me visiting my psychiatrist and trying to sort my life out. Get myself back together and "beat" my depression so I would be able to start uni again the next year. All together I have been treated by my psychiatrist for a year and a half. From just before I graduated from secondary school up to the end of the first month of my restart at uni.
Now I am 18 and I'll turn 19 in a few months. The last appointment I had with my psychiatrist has been over half a year ago. There are still times I feel sad and that dark side of my mind starts to take over again but I have found effective ways to defeat the darkness. Writing being one of them. The fantastic universes I once created have come back but I don't spent nearly as much time in them as I did before. Life is too amazing to spent so much time in your head. 5 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist and 6 years later I am at a point in life where I can finally say I am happy with who I am. I know who I am and where I want to go in life. For some reason I am very thankful for all the misery I have put myself through as it has been an incredible journey and I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons. Life has only just begun and I am going to make it incredible.
For all of you lovely people out there suffering from any form of mental illness. Please if you need someone to talk to know that you can always message me on any of my social media! Just know I am here to listen and help where ever I can.
And last but not least, know that it always gets better. It might take 6 years but eventually bad times will pass and good times will come, don't forget that!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
It is time for "the blog". The one I wrote a little prologue for a couple of days ago. A prologue containing some information about this blog. Please read the prologue before you read this blogpost.
I have been writing ever since I can remember. Little stories about unknown places and undiscovered dimensions. Places and people, all living in their own universe, on their own planet but still all in my head. All these universes flowing out of my pen onto paper, creating a story, a life line no one had heard of before.
Up to today I still love writing, to create new places and new people. Better places and better people. Yet besides all the fantastic stories my mind creates it is also constantly full. Full of thoughts, doubts, questions, feelings, dreams. Some more crazy than others, some more recent than others and others more present than some. My mind is a fantastic place and I absolutely love it. My mind however is also my greatest enemy.
As a little kid I already used to prefer living in the fantastic worlds inside my mind that in the real world. I have never been too fond of other people and always preferred being alone. There are a few people I have allowed into my life and even fewer that know what is going on inside my mind. Not the fantastic worlds but the enemy side. The dark side, the one that has been silently haunting me since the beginning of my days.
When I became twelve and it was time for secondary school the dark side of my mind began to show itself more and more often. The innocent little kid I was would soon disappear. In general secondary school was great. I met all of my friends there and even learnt some useful things besides all the useless sh*t they provide you with. Yes it is true, half of what you learn in secondary school is useless and you will never use it outside of school! Spoiler alert.
The first year was rather great and I felt like I had finally found my place in society. Despite all the fun I had I became incredibly sad and not knowing where the sadness came from made me angry, really angry. But no one wants to know you're sad right?! So I kept all the anger and sadness bottled up inside for as long as I could. Emptying the bottle a little every time I got a hold of a pen and wrote my feelings down on paper. The writing wasn't enough so some times the sadness and anger took over which I then took out on myself. Why? Well, it was my anger, my sadness so I should take it out on myself and not on anybody else. These anger attacks as I can safely call them were the start of years and years of therapy.
I really liked my first psychologist, she really helped me and together we looked for ways to deal with my anger. Some were more effective than others, and slowly I seemed to get 'better'. The anger attacks being dealt with, I became more silent in school, avoiding most social interaction and becoming rather lonely. This led to my psychologist helping me become more of a social person and helping me overcome some of my fears like asking people to hang out with me or calling people, friends or professionals like my dentist. I didn't overcome these things and every time I had to have a conversation with people in real life or on the phone I felt very anxious. The anger attacks were mostly over but had been replaced with anxiety and panic attacks.
As the dark side of my mind became stronger and bigger, I felt like I was losing control. As a nice bonus my psychologist had to go somewhere else so I would get another psychologist. This didn't go well and as the second year of secondary school came closer to an end we had to stop my therapy as there was no bond between my new psychologist and I. The panic attacks were still there, I started feeling more and more worthless and not worthy of being alive. I felt like a constant burden to everyone and anyone so I kept away from the world as much as possible. I did go to school though as I somewhat enjoyed the company of my friends and the happiness they radiated. It made me feel a little bit alive and that was all I needed. Without any professional help I had to help myself. I increased my writing as writing has always been a great way of dealing with my problems but what I wrote became darker and darker. The amazing universes were the only things I had left so I started living in there rather than on earth. But the darkness kept growing and eventually it started crushing the only things that kept me together.
I was lost, utterly lost. An increasing amount of panic attacks and a decreasing amount of social contact made me feel even more alone and unworthy of living. I started getting suicidal thoughts and I started planning my own death. I even wrote letters to everyone that needed to know the truth. At that time I was so done with life. Done with trying even though I had only been fighting my own mind a little over a year. Thinking back all the problems I had back then seem rather silly and I am very thankful I am still alive and able to do what I love doing.
After my first two psychologists I took a different turn and started hypnotherapy. The therapist was a lovely lady who has helped me through a lot of bad times and who has taught me several ways to remain calm and quiet my mind. In the time I got treated by her I also got into the hospital for a week. Diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The week before I got diagnosed might have been the worst week ever both mentally and physically. I wanted dead, death seemed peaceful to me as I was in such pain and I had no idea where the pain and all the other symptoms came from. Luckily I got control of my diabetes quite quickly and even though I had to change my lifestyle completely I felt happy again. I was in control of my life again. A little later I quit hypnotherapy.
This control didn't last very long as a little while later it was time for psychologist number 4. Number 4 and 5 were included in my "diabetes care package" together with physiotherapists and so on. Number 4 was yet another great psychologists who helped me with a lot of my problems but she too had to leave and got replaced by psychologist number 5. Just like last time this didn't work out so I quit treatment again and went on the helping myself road again. It just didn't work. Everything I tried was useless so eventually I started harming myself which got worse over time until my mum and doctor started to notice and sent me to a psychiatrist. Thanks to my psychiatrist I have more clarity about who I am now. She diagnosed me as very depressed and eventually I also got the diagnosis Pervasive Developmental Disorder also known as PDD. Both diagnosis didn't come as a surprise but they did give me a lot of clarity regarding my own mind and behaviour.
My depression disabled me from going to school. I couldn't concentrate, I was too afraid to participate in conversations and I was just too tired to keep up with everything. I cried on my way to school and on the way back. At home the crying continued until I was too tired to cry. Continuing my university course wasn't an option so I dropped out. The gap year I now had would consist mostly of me visiting my psychiatrist and trying to sort my life out. Get myself back together and "beat" my depression so I would be able to start uni again the next year. All together I have been treated by my psychiatrist for a year and a half. From just before I graduated from secondary school up to the end of the first month of my restart at uni.
Now I am 18 and I'll turn 19 in a few months. The last appointment I had with my psychiatrist has been over half a year ago. There are still times I feel sad and that dark side of my mind starts to take over again but I have found effective ways to defeat the darkness. Writing being one of them. The fantastic universes I once created have come back but I don't spent nearly as much time in them as I did before. Life is too amazing to spent so much time in your head. 5 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist and 6 years later I am at a point in life where I can finally say I am happy with who I am. I know who I am and where I want to go in life. For some reason I am very thankful for all the misery I have put myself through as it has been an incredible journey and I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons. Life has only just begun and I am going to make it incredible.
For all of you lovely people out there suffering from any form of mental illness. Please if you need someone to talk to know that you can always message me on any of my social media! Just know I am here to listen and help where ever I can.
And last but not least, know that it always gets better. It might take 6 years but eventually bad times will pass and good times will come, don't forget that!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Stuck.
Hello,
Lately I got stuck. Stuck in my body, stuck in my brain, stuck in my life. It's like all the joy and optimism that used to run through my body has drained. Every last bit of it, gone leaving a huge black void.
I hate it, I thought I had dealt with that in my past and that it would be over now, that I could handle the black void inside of me. Wrong, I got stuck again. Incapable of going forward but oh so capable to go back to my past. Dwell over memories, some better than others however mostly bad ones. The black void started to swallow more and more good memories leaving me with only the horrors of my past. Huge mistakes, big regrets and unfortunate accidents.
This was also the reason there was no blog last week. I couldn't write. I couldn't find the energy, the inspiration. My mind had gone blank, nothing excited me anymore, all colours gone like they never existed. Life went by while I stood still, screaming, slamming my fists against the walls of the cage in which I was held captive. Despite the time that had passed since the last time I got trapped in that cage there were still visible signs of my stay. These signs and the horrors of my past were driving me insane. Rolling down an endless hill.
Unable to write, stuck as I was, the void kept growing. Feeding on my thoughts along with new memories. Enjoying it's increasing size and power. It had taken over most of my mind in only a couple of days. Leaving me with 0.0 concentration, willpower and energy and a thousand things I still had to do. Rolling down, rolling down. The hill got bigger, it was huge and I was small. It was strong and I was weak. With every meter I rolled down I saw signs of my previous falls yet there were also signs of me getting back up. Climbing up the hill, beating the void and shrink it to it's original size. These signs, the signs of me getting back up, slowly stopped me. Keeping me from rolling down.
Yes eventually I got back up. Not alone, no the mountain had grown too high for that. Friends helped me, brought me my climbing gear and climbed up the mountain with me. Picking up the inspiration, the concentration and the willpower I had lost. Bringing colour back in my life. I am almost at the top. Life is colourful again and it is beautiful. The void will never leave although for now it is small again. I will feed it with bad memories whenever I gain a good one. We are both happy now.
So please remember, no matter how bad your situation is right now it will get better. It always gets better! Never forget that!
Lots of love, ThatDutchGirl96
Lately I got stuck. Stuck in my body, stuck in my brain, stuck in my life. It's like all the joy and optimism that used to run through my body has drained. Every last bit of it, gone leaving a huge black void.
I hate it, I thought I had dealt with that in my past and that it would be over now, that I could handle the black void inside of me. Wrong, I got stuck again. Incapable of going forward but oh so capable to go back to my past. Dwell over memories, some better than others however mostly bad ones. The black void started to swallow more and more good memories leaving me with only the horrors of my past. Huge mistakes, big regrets and unfortunate accidents.
This was also the reason there was no blog last week. I couldn't write. I couldn't find the energy, the inspiration. My mind had gone blank, nothing excited me anymore, all colours gone like they never existed. Life went by while I stood still, screaming, slamming my fists against the walls of the cage in which I was held captive. Despite the time that had passed since the last time I got trapped in that cage there were still visible signs of my stay. These signs and the horrors of my past were driving me insane. Rolling down an endless hill.
Unable to write, stuck as I was, the void kept growing. Feeding on my thoughts along with new memories. Enjoying it's increasing size and power. It had taken over most of my mind in only a couple of days. Leaving me with 0.0 concentration, willpower and energy and a thousand things I still had to do. Rolling down, rolling down. The hill got bigger, it was huge and I was small. It was strong and I was weak. With every meter I rolled down I saw signs of my previous falls yet there were also signs of me getting back up. Climbing up the hill, beating the void and shrink it to it's original size. These signs, the signs of me getting back up, slowly stopped me. Keeping me from rolling down.
Yes eventually I got back up. Not alone, no the mountain had grown too high for that. Friends helped me, brought me my climbing gear and climbed up the mountain with me. Picking up the inspiration, the concentration and the willpower I had lost. Bringing colour back in my life. I am almost at the top. Life is colourful again and it is beautiful. The void will never leave although for now it is small again. I will feed it with bad memories whenever I gain a good one. We are both happy now.
So please remember, no matter how bad your situation is right now it will get better. It always gets better! Never forget that!
Lots of love, ThatDutchGirl96
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