My mental health.

Hiya!

For almost 10 years I've been in the loop with mental health issues and mental health care. I don't even know which one is worse. 

Now before I start with this post, I can only speak from personal experiences. My own mental health issues and the health care I received when dealing with those issues. Maybe a bit of Dutch mental health care in general but that's it. Everyone experiences mental health issues differently, every country has it's own views and accessibility of mental health care or health care in general. If my personal experiences differ from your's feel free to share you experiences with me. 
I would like this blog to be a safe place for people that struggle with mental health issues and the care available for those. So if you struggle with mental health issues or just want to complain about them and the health care around them please send me a message or leave a comment!

Let's get back to my problems. As mentioned before, I've been in the loop of mental health care/ issues since I was 12. Seeing one therapist after the other. I've had different kinds of therapy like hypnosis and behavioural therapy. I've seen therapists for many different reasons. But then I became 18, and a month later I had my last appointment with my psychiatrist. She was an absolute gem and helped me through my gap year to get me ready to go back to university right after that. After my last session with her I finally felt like me again, which I hand't in a very very long time. Being 18 and going back to uni would be the beginning of my life. Everything was fine and I was going to fly through life from there on.

Oh how wrong I was. During university I've had multiple breakdowns, multiple times where my mum urged me to go back to seeing a therapist and even more times when I turned down these offers because I didn't need therapy anymore. That chapter was closed in August after I turned 18. I left therapy in 2014. And every time I managed, some times the struggle went on for days, other times for weeks but every time I came out on top and could continue my life. Mental health issues under control and no more therapy. During these last years I literally kept convincing myself through every breakdown that I, Renée, didn't need therapy. Therapy had given me all the tips and tricks I would need to get through those damn breakdowns.

HA HA.

Get ready for the 'best' part. Now I'm 21, it's 2018, the year I promised myself would be even better than 2017, and I'm on a waiting list to get back into therapy. How far I've come.....
Actually I've come pretty far. I've come from being 18 and convinced I would never need therapy again. Keeping myself convinced during all the breakdowns that followed until somewhere in 2017 where there wasn't really a breakdown. Maybe a cumulative sum of several small less good things, I'm not too sure. But at one point whilst in South-Africa (best time ever tho) I knew my emotional state was back at an all time low. I just knew something was off, my smiles became more forced, the sparkle in my eyes disappeared most days and I just felt so emotionally flat. Like there was this big black hole of emptiness back inside me just like it had been there whilst still seeing therapists.

But hey, I was in South-Africa and life was pretty great in general so I just went through with it. Telling myself I would just wait and see when I came back to Holland. Maybe it would go away, because I had the skills to overcome these things myself remember?! Well, I lost the skill. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and that empty feeling is still there. My body is constantly tense, there is a massive wall including moat filled with crocodiles around me, and my emotions are still non existent. The worst thing about it is no one notices. Not even my mum who was onto me during all the previous breakdowns. Did I really become this good at hiding my (lack of) feelings? 

However this time 'I don't need therapy' Renée decided to take matters in her own hand. Firstly to get a phsyical examination due to complaints of exhaustion, which came back with nothing (as expected). Then I decided why not? Why not go back to seeing a therapist? You've been there and done that so you know the drill. Just get yourself that extra bit of help maybe until graduation, maybe after that until you get your life back together. Maybe until you find out what you really want to do with that life of yours. 
Just get help. 

So here I am, during the second month of supposedly best year yet, ready to ask for help again. On a waiting list to get that help in early march. It was my best decision in a long time and I'm honestly counting down to the 2nd of march, the day where I'll be back in therapy. The day where I'm back to getting my life back on track. The day where I can start relaxing again. I am ready!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96

ps. sorry if this triggered you in any way. That was not how this blog was intended. If you feel like you need a friend or just a listening ear, don't hesitate to send me a message or leave a comment. 

pps. if this blogpost helped you in any way also let me know! If it encouraged you to seek help too, or at least look into the different options of mental health care I'm forever grateful. 

Thank you mum.

Thank you mum. 

For putting up with me all these years, for raising me and taking care of me. For crossing me even though, years later, I realised you did the right thing and pushed me in the right direction. Thanks for working your teacher magic when checking my schoolwork and essays. Thanks for even being my teacher a lot of years ago. 

Mum thanks for accompanying me to all the appointments. Dentist, doctor, diabetes nurse, psychologists, psychiatrists, school appointments. No matter how I behaved before, after or during the appointment you would go with me. Thanks for that, a lot.

Thanks for pushing me to talk, pushing me to reflect and pushing me to get the help I definitely needed. 

Thanks for all the times we disagreed, and you turned out to be right. Thanks for being the best taxi driver, for going shopping with me and for trying your hardest to keep this family functioning.

And mum, I'm sorry for the screaming and shouting, all those mean words I said and at the time meant but regret now. Sorry for being such a difficult kid who needed way too long to figure herself out. Sorry for being so different. Sorry for being the first in a line of three children with mental problems, really I'm sorry for starting the trend.  

Sorry for myself, my sisters and my dad for not being a real family. Sorry that all we share is the roof over our heads. I apologise for all the malfunctions, the fights, the struggles, the disagreements that exist in our household on a daily basis. 

But mum, even though we can be very hard on you, and with we I mean all of us. Everyone in our family, the people at your work now and all the previous jobs you had, the world, your own body even with it's ruined hips. Even though we are a bunch of losers sometimes and you wished us away. And trust me, I know you've thought that more than once. I heard you say it more than once too. But you will just have to deal with us a bit longer. Soon you'll miss us, we will leave the house and leave you and dad to yourselves. Finally a bit of peace.

And how grateful I am of you having a bit of stability with your current job and how proud I am of you with everything you are doing there. Teaching the kids a new language, more than one and you teach them math and you support them as a therapist would. You are not only my mum but a little bit their mum as well. And I think you do a pretty damn good job! You inspire your learners, you help them grow and develop themselves. Some of that I took with me to South-Africa and projected on my own learners. Because that is the real strength of being a teacher; supporting your learners in more ways than just educationally. 
Mum you are a hero. Working on so many things at once and making every one of them succesful. You are an inspiration not only to your learners but to me as well and it's such an incredible thing to see you being so happy with the work you are doing.

You help everyone around you and sometimes that breaks you down but that is exactly who I want to become. I want to help people, just like you do. Thanks mum for showing me that, for handing me some incredible opportunities and for allowing and helping me to grow into the person I am now. A clear vision of the future, it's bright and just like you I am able to help a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

So mum, again I am very sorry but I'm also very thankful and proud of you as my mum. Keep up the good work! And even though I know you will never read this I wanted to put it out there. Mums worldwide aren't appreciated enough and they are all heroes! So this goes out to all mums but most importantly mine. Thanks a lot!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96