Life is good.

For years I have been fighting for myself, for a place in this world. To feel like I belong in this world, but most of all, to find out more about me. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to go? All these questions but no answers... 

No one could give me the answers to those questions, and that made me feel so frustrated. It made me feel so alone, as if no one was really able to help me. As if I had to face the big scary world alone after all. As if the only person I could rely on in this world was myself. 

Now I'm further than I've ever been, climbing the mountain representing life. I look down sometimes, to reflect, but also to see how far I have come. And wow what a distance I have climbed up already. There are some holes in the mountains as well, but those deep tunnels are all connected and come back up to the surface in a different place on the mountain.  

Those holes, the rough parts of the mountains, they mostly represent my teen years. The years so much happened and I fought so hard. Therapist after therapist, I visited. Wall after wall I build and broke down again. An endless amount of buckets stands beside the track, filled with all the tears I cried. People entered my life and left again. So much changed. There are some labels as well, Type 1 Diabetes and ASD. Well, they look pretty good from up here. I do feel them though, and they do weigh me down quite a bit, but it's mostly knowledge and tools I've been given to deal with them. 

I have a beautiful view now. The road in front of me is foggy, mysterious, keeping tons of secrets I have yet to discover. Where I'm standing right now the path feels steady, no loose rocks that might make me trip, steady. Life is good, and as I look down I start tearing up again. Not because I feel sad, it's because I feel proud. Proud of what I have achieved over the last eight years. Proud of how I kept falling down, but always stood back up, no matter how much the fall had hurt. How I kept breaking down the walls I build for myself. Yes, reaching the point where I am now wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all, but I made it. I am where I am now because of everything that happened during the rough parts of the climb.

And those questions I've been asking myself. Well I don't think I'll ever really answer them. All the answers will be is temporary as I keep climbing up, facing new challenges, meeting new people, become a new version of myself. In 20 years I might have an even better view, the path might be even steadier, maybe even broader so a family of my own can help me climbing my mountain. 

One thing I have learned about answering the questions however, is that you never have to do it alone. No matter how lost and lonely you feel, every person you meet in your life, every choice you make. Those might not give you the answer, or the answer you want. But they will always give you a little piece of the answer, this massive infinite puzzle that is your life.

Lately I've been given brightly coloured pieces only. Why? Because I found happiness. Not in someone else but in myself. I'm proud of what I have achieved so far and I've never been happier with who I am. I have more energy and the world has become this wonderful place again instead of a battlefield with me facing the rest of the world. 

You know, life does want you to be happy and I realise that now. With a genuine smile on my face, the strangest feeling in my stomach, and more energy than I could ever need, I face the road ahead. I head into the fog, ready for my next adventure and so far so good. The path is steady and so am I.

Life is good.

20 things I've done before turning 20.

Hello inhabitants of the world!

Today is the day I've turned 20. No big party planned (that was yesterday), so just a nice day to spend with my family, the sun and to hang by the pool. As turning 20 isn't something to take lightly, you're suddenly not a teen anymore!!!!! So hereby, I would like to share with you, 20 things I've done before turning 20.  

1. Teaching myself to read. 
Before turning four and starting kindergarten I had already taught myself to read. probably where my love for books started. 

2. Graduating from high school.
Since I know a few 20 year-olds who haven't graduated high school yet I think this kind of counts as an achievement so yeah here it is.  

3. Taking Anglia as an extra class.
Oh how I've complained about this extra class during the five years I took it. Now, looking back on it, however I'm pretty glad I took that class as it helped me improve my English even further and it made my high school time a bit more challenging, study-wise. 

4. MSN.
When you're around my age you will know this as the most amazing early forms of social media there was and ever will be. MSN was our way of messaging friends, to stay in touch. Together with MySpace this was the start of social media and where we started to get lost in the digital world.

5. Attending my first actual festival.
This happened only recently when I visited PinkPop, a pretty cool festival in the South of Holland. I really recommend you go there once if you're able to, that is. 

6. Getting my drivers license. 
Quite a milestone in every persons life. I failed twice before finally passing my drivers test and I was in tears when I finally passed. It was amazing and being able to drive by myself has given me a new form of freedom.

7. Started university.
Two years ago I officially started university. Now I'm two years in my nursing course and after summer I'll proceed to the third year of this course. My next internship will be in the same hospital I'm being treated for my diabetes so that will be fun!

8. Getting my first kiss.
Not really a very great one but hey, it's something that should be on here right?! Let's not go into this any deeper.

9. Went on a vacation without my parents.
My first vacation without my parents was when I went to South Africa for two weeks to volunteer. This was with Worldmapping, whom I would 100% recommend if you're under 18 and want to volunteer abroad! The year after South Africa I went to Brasil, also with Worldmapping.

10. Go outside of Europe.
My parents never took us outside of Europe, they're not much for travelling far and wide so if I wanted to explore the world I would have to do it myself. This I did together with 20 other people aged between 14 and 18 years old. The two trips I've taken outside of Europe, both with Worldmapping, changed my life for the better and I am so grateful I got to take these chances. 

Okay halfway there. Let me think of some more amazing things I've done before turning 20.

11. Getting diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes.
Not a very happy or amazing thing but still a very important one. My diabetes changed my life for ever. I now have to truly take care of my own body. To get diagnosed with something like Diabetes when you're 15 is one of the worst things that can happen to you. It basically cuts of the rest of your childhood as you have to become completely responsible for yourself, your behaviour and your health. Pretty insane but I'm also pretty grateful for my Diabetes as it changed me as a person and without my Diabetes I wouldn't have done the amazing things I have done now. So as a wise Dutchman once said: "Every disadvantage has it's advantage."

12. Going on holidays with my friends.
Something I started doing since my gap year. That year I visited London with a good friend of mine, then came my trip to Brighton with a different friend and during New years I visited Disneyland Paris with yet another friend of mine. I treasure all these trips, they all were amazing in their own way and they made me fall in love with city-tripping and visiting new places that aren't too far away as well. 

13. Having a great imagination.
Ever since I was a child I could get lost in my own imagination, in the worlds I created for myself. World so much better and happier than the world we live in. In these worlds I convinced myself I was Chinese, able to play Galactic Football (amazing series from my childhood), one of the Totally Spies (another TV-show), living in a cloud castle, and so much more. As I grew up, a lot of my imaginary worlds faded and eventually disappeared. However not all of my imagination is gone and I'm going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Life is way too boring without a good bit of imagination. 

14. Beating depression.
For over 6 years I went from psychologist to hypnotherapist, back to a psychologist and on to a psychiatrist. After those six years I had gotten the diagnosis depression and learned to deal with it. This long process was one of the biggest challenges of my life but also one of the biggest victories as my last visit to the psychiatrist ended. It meant I was done and officially able to manage myself. Looking back on it I've come very far and nobody can take one bit of that progress away from me. 

15. Turning 18.
The age I officially, theoretically, became an adult. Reaching the age of 18 in Holland means you can drive by yourself, are legally allowed to consume alcohol and you get to vote. FunFunFun.

16. Voted for the first time.
After turning 18, the local elections came around. Being 18 it meant I was allowed to vote and my vote is one I find very important and I personally think that once you're allowed to vote you should vote. As you vote you vote for your future which I think, is pretty amazing and you want to shape your own future don't you?!

17. Being alive during the change of the millenniums.
Yes I am one of those annoying millennials people are always talking about. I was born in 1996 so I don't remember much from New years eve 1999/ 2000. What I do know of it are mostly things that I got told afterwards, when I got older but yeah hey I was there when it happened!!!

18. Auditioned for a movie.
This didn't really work out and it was a bit of an impulsive move. When I was 14 I decided it was a good idea to audition for a movie. The audition was on the other side of Holland and it was this pretty big event. It was an amazing day and I had a lot of fun though. Maybe in the future???? I did have a small part in a Swedish children's series though, by the way. Recording that series was a lot of fun even though I don't speak a word Swedish.

19. Taking a gap-year. 
After graduating from High School I took a gap year. This mostly due to my depression but it became an amazing year. I worked in a toy shop, pretty cool eh, got my drivers license, went to London (twice) and beat my depression. So yeah an amazing year with a lot of cool stuff. 

20. Making fun of other people turning 20.
I'm one of the youngest among my friends so most of them have already turned 20. This led teasing them about being old and so adult. Now the jokes on me as my time to turn 20 has come. I'm a bit scared for the payback some friends have prepared for me but I'll give another update on that after my birthday party!

So that's it. 20 things I've done before turning 20. I hope you liked this very very long blogpost! If you've made it all the way down, congratulations! If you haven't, very understandable!

Anyway I hope you all passed your exams, proceeded to your next year of school and will have an amazing holiday!
ThatDutchGirl96