I'm in control.

Hiya!

Recently I've started to realise something. I'm becoming more and more aware of my anxiety and all the things that are a trigger to it. I keep noticing new weird things that make me utterly anxious. However, with these realisations I also found out how in control of them I am and that's something I have never noticed before.

I've known for a long time that I am one of the many people struggling with anxiety. Another thing I've known for a long time is how ridiculous and irrational my anxiety can be some times. It's also such a fluctuating thing, like one day I'm fine doing a certain thing and a week later that same thing has become utterly terrifying. Anxiety is ridiculous and I hate it.

The only fun I'm having with it nowadays is that I'm noticing my anxiety earlier and have become more of a rational thinker. I like to think I am anyways. Example: this week I launched a questionnaire at my internship for my bachelor thesis. I had sent it over email the evening before and as soon as I step foot on the ward I felt my anxiety kicking in. Thoughts like: 'people will ask you about it all day' 'they won't have seen the questionnaire yet' 'they might not see it at all' 'you will have to remind people to fill it out all day' 'they'll think you're annoying', started a storm inside my mind. Yet as I put my bag in my locker, rational thinking kicked in and I realised that everybody knows I'm an intern and part of my internship is doing research which involves a questionnaire. I also realised that part of putting out a questionnaire is making people aware of it so it's normal that I would have to remind people to fill it out and that it's normal for people to have feedback on it or questions about it. And as more and more of these rational thoughts popped up in that anxious brain of mine my anxiety faded. It was still there but much smaller than it had been before, by now it was acceptable. 

Even though my anxiety was still there it stopped being the centre of my universe at that point. It became more of a Pluto, still part of my solar system but not as big as the Sun. It made me feel more in control of my own life, even on this one occasion. It showed me that I'm more than my anxiety and that my anxiety doesn't define me. My anxiety is even more ridiculous than my depression on most days and that is now how I am going to live my life. It's my life for god's sake and not the life of my anxiety. 

Fear is a normal thing, fear can be a superpower if it has to be, but it should never become the villain of the main character. EVER. Fear can be a fuel, a motivation to become better as long as YOU remain the main character in your own life. 

By just stopping and thinking about my anxiety I figured out how ridiculous it actually is and how I let these stupid thoughts control my life instead of me controlling them. It showed me that I'm growing, that character development is taking place. 

I know this isn't THE cure to anxiety and that some have it worse than others. But give rationality a chance, it might just save you. Why not give it a try? Become more aware of your thoughts and the spiral it sends you in, and try to reverse it. Who knows, maybe something incredible results from it. I believe in you.

Lots of love,
ThatDutchgirl96

Thank you.

Hey you! My autoimmune disease, destroyer of my insulin supply. Hello my Diabetes. 

Thank you Diabetes for storming into my life. Thanks for almost killing me, having me meet the best health care givers in the world, allowing me to reflect on life even at 14. For almost seven years now we've been stuck together. More like I've been stuck with you, you just don't seem to pick up my hints to have you leave. You're more than welcome to, if you want to of course. 

I might hate you sometimes but damn you have brought me a lot of good. My pancreas disagrees on this though, but let's leave that one out of this conversation for now. This is my moment to say thank you. Because you don't get the credit you deserve 99% of the time. It's because of you that I am who I am today and I am where I am today. If not for you my life would have looked so much different, much more healthy.  

Thanks to you I started to reflect on life, on the privileges I have in mine. I was born in a wealthy European country. I have access to amazing health care. I can choose my own diabetes supplies and health care insurance. Plus you got me the best doctors and nurses I could have wished for, they are truly amazing and have helped me deal with you in the best way possible. You don't go easy on them or me though, maybe cut us some slack?

Thanks to you I decided I wanted to use my privileges for good things. Thanks to you I got in touch with Worldmapping who brought me along to South-Africa and Brasil. Trough whom I met so many amazing and inspiring people. People I am still in touch with today, people that still influence me or help me make choices, whether they know it or now. Thanks to my great experiences with Worldmapping I ended at Puylagorge. And that has become my happy place for these last three years, and this summer it will be my happy place again. Here too, I met so many incredible people, new friends, amazing families with even more amazing kids. Special needs kids who are just special to us, volunteers. A place where no one looks at disabilities in a negative way. A place where no one is different, not even me! And you don't even know what a relief it is to not be different sometime, to just be. A place where nobody cares about my diabetes because we all have our special skills. And Diabetes, without you I would never have gotten there, to that incredible place.

Also Diabetes, you showed me who my true friends are. Thankfully I already had pretty good taste because nobody left me because of you. They accepted you even before I had because that was who I was now. Thank you for helping me meet new friends, with and without chronic illnesses. Thank you for allowing me to joke about you to make myself and others have a good laugh. Thank you for helping me check other people's blood sugar to make sure they aren't diabetic as well. Even though I secretly wouldn't mind having more diabetics in my life. 

Thank you for showing me how fragile and precious life is. Thanks for showing me how incredibly strong my body is even though I feel very weak sometimes. Thank you for helping my family except my other struggles and thanks for helping me in finding help for all those problems. Even when you turned out to be one of them. You stayed around nonetheless. 

Thank you Diabetes for helping me to accept myself. To trust on myself more, to become more independent. Thanks for helping me grow. For all the opportunities I got because of you. 

Diabetes, sometimes, well most times I don't like you too much. You seem to complicate things quite a bit. But despite all that I wouldn't want it any different, you are a part of me. Because of you I'm me. 

Thank you Diabetes, to many more years together!

Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96