The joys of birth.

Hello you all!

And welcome to the introduction of yet another internship. Yes I know my college course (nursing for those who didn't know) is very practical, which is just how I like it.

After my roller-coaster ride on the lung ward it is now time to do something else entirely. For this placement I've been put on the neonatology/ gynaecology ward. It's actually called the 'Mother and Child centre' and it's this fancy ward that is booming business in Dutch hospitals where they bundle all activities involving pregnancy, birthing, and maternity care after the birth. Which means I get to work with pregnant women, and not pregnant anymore women and their newborn babies. 

At first I had no idea what to expect and was basically super scared that I would drop a baby. But care for babies befalls me much more naturally than I had thought it would. The first time my colleague asked me to pick up and hold a baby was so awkward. I picked it up and the mum was just looking at me, probably also fearing I would drop her child, and then my colleague had to come up and help me as I wasn't able to get the child in a comfortable position on my arm. Yes that was the most awkward thing that happened to me, involving a baby at least. Please don't make me think back to the time I tried to preform a vena puncture on a women but was so nervous I couldn't even fixate the needle as it was inside the vein. It was horrible and I hope I never have to face that woman again, even though she was super chill about it.

Anyway, my work as a nurse now basically includes washing babies, holding other woman's breasts, and just giving information on all aspects of motherhood (because I know all about that). I've been there for three weeks now and it's going really well by now. I'm able to take care of a baby mostly independently, and also the care for the mother and post pregnancy birthing things are going pretty well. 

Right now you could say I would make an amazing mum, and I might even slightly agree with you. Secretly I'm also really happy with this placement as it does give me some idea on how to care for a newborn baby that has just been put on this amazingly dangerous planet with all these weird things happening. You would be surprised to see how many things can go wrong during the process of pregnancy and birthing, but also to see how complicated the physical state of a tiny little child can be. I still find it utterly amazing to see those babies sometimes, the way they look around the room and seem to be taking in every little detail and how they appear to be listening closely to what the adults in the room are discussing. Or how hard they have to work to keep their temperature up, how low a baby's sugar levels are, and just how amazingly complicated such a tiny little human can be. 

At the moment I still really enjoy my internship, and can't wait to learn more about pregnancy, and watch a c-section and someone giving birth once. It is so much more complicated than you might think, and babies are so incredibly interesting. Pathologically I haven't really been challenged yet at this ward, as most women are healthy and their babies too most of the time. So there aren't that many diseases which I kind of find a pity in the most objectively nursing way possible. But there is so much more to the process of pregnancy and birth than I first thought and I can't wait to learn all about it!

If you would like me to keep you updated about my placement, the things I learn there, and the struggles I will probably start facing there as well, just let me know in the comments below!

Love you lots!
ThatDutchGirl96

Life is good.

For years I have been fighting for myself, for a place in this world. To feel like I belong in this world, but most of all, to find out more about me. Who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to go? All these questions but no answers... 

No one could give me the answers to those questions, and that made me feel so frustrated. It made me feel so alone, as if no one was really able to help me. As if I had to face the big scary world alone after all. As if the only person I could rely on in this world was myself. 

Now I'm further than I've ever been, climbing the mountain representing life. I look down sometimes, to reflect, but also to see how far I have come. And wow what a distance I have climbed up already. There are some holes in the mountains as well, but those deep tunnels are all connected and come back up to the surface in a different place on the mountain.  

Those holes, the rough parts of the mountains, they mostly represent my teen years. The years so much happened and I fought so hard. Therapist after therapist, I visited. Wall after wall I build and broke down again. An endless amount of buckets stands beside the track, filled with all the tears I cried. People entered my life and left again. So much changed. There are some labels as well, Type 1 Diabetes and ASD. Well, they look pretty good from up here. I do feel them though, and they do weigh me down quite a bit, but it's mostly knowledge and tools I've been given to deal with them. 

I have a beautiful view now. The road in front of me is foggy, mysterious, keeping tons of secrets I have yet to discover. Where I'm standing right now the path feels steady, no loose rocks that might make me trip, steady. Life is good, and as I look down I start tearing up again. Not because I feel sad, it's because I feel proud. Proud of what I have achieved over the last eight years. Proud of how I kept falling down, but always stood back up, no matter how much the fall had hurt. How I kept breaking down the walls I build for myself. Yes, reaching the point where I am now wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all, but I made it. I am where I am now because of everything that happened during the rough parts of the climb.

And those questions I've been asking myself. Well I don't think I'll ever really answer them. All the answers will be is temporary as I keep climbing up, facing new challenges, meeting new people, become a new version of myself. In 20 years I might have an even better view, the path might be even steadier, maybe even broader so a family of my own can help me climbing my mountain. 

One thing I have learned about answering the questions however, is that you never have to do it alone. No matter how lost and lonely you feel, every person you meet in your life, every choice you make. Those might not give you the answer, or the answer you want. But they will always give you a little piece of the answer, this massive infinite puzzle that is your life.

Lately I've been given brightly coloured pieces only. Why? Because I found happiness. Not in someone else but in myself. I'm proud of what I have achieved so far and I've never been happier with who I am. I have more energy and the world has become this wonderful place again instead of a battlefield with me facing the rest of the world. 

You know, life does want you to be happy and I realise that now. With a genuine smile on my face, the strangest feeling in my stomach, and more energy than I could ever need, I face the road ahead. I head into the fog, ready for my next adventure and so far so good. The path is steady and so am I.

Life is good.