Hey There!
Yes you read it right. The "hello" is gone and replaced by a slightly better but not yet what I want "hey there". However I shouldn't complain as the first step to finding my own perfect intro is taken. Now it is time to slowly sort out where to put my foot next to take the second and maybe last step on the way to my 'perfect intro'.
Let's talk business.
I can call myself very lucky. Very lucky, very privileged and sadly also very Dutch. Believe it or not, just like British people and quite a lot of people on this small blue and green orb Dutch people love to complain. We have become rather good at it to be honest, not sure if that's a good thing, probably not. Out of all things to complain about we love complaining about the weather the most. I don't know if it's just our weather but last week the weather has been an incredible roller-coaster. One day I am just chilling outside, tanning in my bikini and the other day I have wear a warm sweater, winter coat, scarf and gloves to take on the cold that has taken over. Sun, rain, hail, warmth and frost have been fighting for that one place in the spotlight and it's a tight race. Oh all the complaints I have heard so far!
It is just an idea but instead of being all negative and mean towards the weather we could, maybe you know just hope for better weather that suits April/ May or at least accept the weather as it comes?! Just an idea...
Due to school, my internship and all the homework I have to do I spent most of my days inside so I can't really be bothered. However there are some meteorological happenings that do catch my attention and admiration. Take the sunrise for example. As I have to be on the train to school or my internship around 6 or 7 in the morning I am one of the few lucky persons that get to watch the sun rise and light up the world with it's beautiful light. It is absolutely stunning!
As the sun starts to rise I am on a train or waiting for one and in all honesty delays don't bother me at all at those moments. All I care about is the beauty that our universe contains and how we don't appreciate all that nearly enough. I can't even bring myself to close my eyes as I will miss the beauty of the sunrise if I do. That's the only time I don't mind tears rolling down my cheeks due to the sunlight. It shines bright and with it's light a feeling of positivity and serenity flows over the world. The sun has this magical power of bringing the best out of people, even in the very early morning.
On the train the sun travels from window to window depending on the course of the train and how fast the sun rises. It is a gorgeous sight that more people should be seeing. Maybe it will brighten up their day for a bit. Who knows what good a little bit of sunshine can do for a small life form as us humans.
So if ever wake up early don't fall back asleep, when it's around 5 or 6 am, when you wake up around 4 am please fall back asleep and catch a few more hours of precious sleep! However if you ever find yourself awake rather early and the sun is about to come up. Stay awake a little longer and watch the sun rise. Whether it's from your bed through your window, from a train station or a train, outside on a hill or maybe on a roof. Just go and watch the sun rise. It is super beautiful and you will not regret it I can promise!
When you find yourself outside watching the sunrise take note! Not only are you watching one of the most beautiful happenings our universe has to offer you are also taking in vitamin D which is good for a lot of things regarding your physical AND mental health. So not only is a sunrise amazing to watch it is also good for your health! What more could you wish for?!
Lots of love, sunrises and vitamin D,
ThatDutchGirl96
Hello,
It is time for "the blog". The one I wrote a little prologue for a couple of days ago. A prologue containing some information about this blog. Please read the prologue before you read this blogpost.
I have been writing ever since I can remember. Little stories about unknown places and undiscovered dimensions. Places and people, all living in their own universe, on their own planet but still all in my head. All these universes flowing out of my pen onto paper, creating a story, a life line no one had heard of before.
Up to today I still love writing, to create new places and new people. Better places and better people. Yet besides all the fantastic stories my mind creates it is also constantly full. Full of thoughts, doubts, questions, feelings, dreams. Some more crazy than others, some more recent than others and others more present than some. My mind is a fantastic place and I absolutely love it. My mind however is also my greatest enemy.
As a little kid I already used to prefer living in the fantastic worlds inside my mind that in the real world. I have never been too fond of other people and always preferred being alone. There are a few people I have allowed into my life and even fewer that know what is going on inside my mind. Not the fantastic worlds but the enemy side. The dark side, the one that has been silently haunting me since the beginning of my days.
When I became twelve and it was time for secondary school the dark side of my mind began to show itself more and more often. The innocent little kid I was would soon disappear. In general secondary school was great. I met all of my friends there and even learnt some useful things besides all the useless sh*t they provide you with. Yes it is true, half of what you learn in secondary school is useless and you will never use it outside of school! Spoiler alert.
The first year was rather great and I felt like I had finally found my place in society. Despite all the fun I had I became incredibly sad and not knowing where the sadness came from made me angry, really angry. But no one wants to know you're sad right?! So I kept all the anger and sadness bottled up inside for as long as I could. Emptying the bottle a little every time I got a hold of a pen and wrote my feelings down on paper. The writing wasn't enough so some times the sadness and anger took over which I then took out on myself. Why? Well, it was my anger, my sadness so I should take it out on myself and not on anybody else. These anger attacks as I can safely call them were the start of years and years of therapy.
I really liked my first psychologist, she really helped me and together we looked for ways to deal with my anger. Some were more effective than others, and slowly I seemed to get 'better'. The anger attacks being dealt with, I became more silent in school, avoiding most social interaction and becoming rather lonely. This led to my psychologist helping me become more of a social person and helping me overcome some of my fears like asking people to hang out with me or calling people, friends or professionals like my dentist. I didn't overcome these things and every time I had to have a conversation with people in real life or on the phone I felt very anxious. The anger attacks were mostly over but had been replaced with anxiety and panic attacks.
As the dark side of my mind became stronger and bigger, I felt like I was losing control. As a nice bonus my psychologist had to go somewhere else so I would get another psychologist. This didn't go well and as the second year of secondary school came closer to an end we had to stop my therapy as there was no bond between my new psychologist and I. The panic attacks were still there, I started feeling more and more worthless and not worthy of being alive. I felt like a constant burden to everyone and anyone so I kept away from the world as much as possible. I did go to school though as I somewhat enjoyed the company of my friends and the happiness they radiated. It made me feel a little bit alive and that was all I needed. Without any professional help I had to help myself. I increased my writing as writing has always been a great way of dealing with my problems but what I wrote became darker and darker. The amazing universes were the only things I had left so I started living in there rather than on earth. But the darkness kept growing and eventually it started crushing the only things that kept me together.
I was lost, utterly lost. An increasing amount of panic attacks and a decreasing amount of social contact made me feel even more alone and unworthy of living. I started getting suicidal thoughts and I started planning my own death. I even wrote letters to everyone that needed to know the truth. At that time I was so done with life. Done with trying even though I had only been fighting my own mind a little over a year. Thinking back all the problems I had back then seem rather silly and I am very thankful I am still alive and able to do what I love doing.
After my first two psychologists I took a different turn and started hypnotherapy. The therapist was a lovely lady who has helped me through a lot of bad times and who has taught me several ways to remain calm and quiet my mind. In the time I got treated by her I also got into the hospital for a week. Diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The week before I got diagnosed might have been the worst week ever both mentally and physically. I wanted dead, death seemed peaceful to me as I was in such pain and I had no idea where the pain and all the other symptoms came from. Luckily I got control of my diabetes quite quickly and even though I had to change my lifestyle completely I felt happy again. I was in control of my life again. A little later I quit hypnotherapy.
This control didn't last very long as a little while later it was time for psychologist number 4. Number 4 and 5 were included in my "diabetes care package" together with physiotherapists and so on. Number 4 was yet another great psychologists who helped me with a lot of my problems but she too had to leave and got replaced by psychologist number 5. Just like last time this didn't work out so I quit treatment again and went on the helping myself road again. It just didn't work. Everything I tried was useless so eventually I started harming myself which got worse over time until my mum and doctor started to notice and sent me to a psychiatrist. Thanks to my psychiatrist I have more clarity about who I am now. She diagnosed me as very depressed and eventually I also got the diagnosis Pervasive Developmental Disorder also known as PDD. Both diagnosis didn't come as a surprise but they did give me a lot of clarity regarding my own mind and behaviour.
My depression disabled me from going to school. I couldn't concentrate, I was too afraid to participate in conversations and I was just too tired to keep up with everything. I cried on my way to school and on the way back. At home the crying continued until I was too tired to cry. Continuing my university course wasn't an option so I dropped out. The gap year I now had would consist mostly of me visiting my psychiatrist and trying to sort my life out. Get myself back together and "beat" my depression so I would be able to start uni again the next year. All together I have been treated by my psychiatrist for a year and a half. From just before I graduated from secondary school up to the end of the first month of my restart at uni.
Now I am 18 and I'll turn 19 in a few months. The last appointment I had with my psychiatrist has been over half a year ago. There are still times I feel sad and that dark side of my mind starts to take over again but I have found effective ways to defeat the darkness. Writing being one of them. The fantastic universes I once created have come back but I don't spent nearly as much time in them as I did before. Life is too amazing to spent so much time in your head. 5 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist and 6 years later I am at a point in life where I can finally say I am happy with who I am. I know who I am and where I want to go in life. For some reason I am very thankful for all the misery I have put myself through as it has been an incredible journey and I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons. Life has only just begun and I am going to make it incredible.
For all of you lovely people out there suffering from any form of mental illness. Please if you need someone to talk to know that you can always message me on any of my social media! Just know I am here to listen and help where ever I can.
And last but not least, know that it always gets better. It might take 6 years but eventually bad times will pass and good times will come, don't forget that!
Lots of love,
ThatDutchGirl96
